What is love?

I have been so busy this month that I haven't had time to clear my heart or mind. Usually when I have something on my mind, it comes and goes and sometimes once blogged out it has a way of giving me peace and I move forward, but this is something that has been weighing on my heart for awhile and finding the right words isn't coming easy. I thought maybe if I just went ahead and typed it out even if I don't publish, I can at least rest my mind and heart. The question, "what is love" has been knocking at my heart for while. I know this isn't the first time I have wandered in this direction, but as I watch couples my interest and curiosity just makes me wonder even more. Recently, I have read many people wishing "the love of their lives" a happy birthday or anniversary. I cant help but notice these aren't newlyweds so clearly not honeymoon talk, but couples that are around 20 years plus in their relationship. I find it consuming because I have never felt the way I hear and witness people when they say "I don't know what Id do without them, or I couldn't live if anything happen to them". I witness elderly people in nursing homes and hospitals and wonder "whats their story". Most of our grandparents lived until death did them apart, yet our parents and ourselves put our happiness in our spouses hands and when our expectations of marriage aren't met, naturally its the other persons fault and we get divorced and find someone else. More often times than not, I see the elderly man taking care of the deathly wife and even her passing, see the tears and sadness of these elderly men and it breaks my heart to think a man can love a woman that much that their whole world falls apart when shes gone. I see divorced couples all the time and they don't have that kind of pain when walking away from each other. What are we doing differently now days then they did back then? Wouldn't you think marriage issues are marriage issues? Then again maybe not, we often think or say to our children, "if I ever did that when I was a kid my parents would have......" what actually changed from then till now? Is it society? I really am interested in relationships so I thought Id try to come up with what I know love is/isn't based on what Ive already learned. I know love isn't hurting another person mentally, financially, physically, sexually or spiritually. I know love cant be disrespectful or selfish (my biggest downfall). I know love takes care of the other when they are sick and in need. I know love defends the other and they stick together when things are tough even when the world is against them. I know true love doesn't judge, or have bitterness or grudges because when your in love you are blinded by some of those. (True) Love isn't about making the other person feel weaker or awful about themselves, and not manipulating or game playing to get what you want. True love does not lie or cheat because true love doesn't have to. I have to add the "true" to true love because we use the term love so loosely as well of falling out of love but true love doesn't fall out of love. True love knows everything about you and appreciates you for who you are and where you have been without trying to change you or erase parts of your story. I once dated a guy that I put so high on a pedestal that I changed everything about me to be who I thought he wanted from hair color to behavior to conversations. The thing is that I failed because I was trying to be someone I wasn't for someone to like me and if anything had come out of that we would have been miserable because I had to hide who I was and where I been to create an illusion of who I thought he was looking for. Yes, he was looking for that person, but no I wasn't it and had I left it at that then I wouldn't have ended up with the broken heart and if I had to be honest I didn't actually have a broken heart but more of a broken ego that I couldn't manipulate the situation to end like I thought it should at the time and lost to another girl (pathetic, I know). Im not sure when I was dating why I felt I had to hide me, I do know that one reason is I didn't know me and I was in the beginning stages of changing my life so I kind of molded to whoever instead of transforming into me. I encourage any person at the end of a relationship to take a time out not to go from relationship to relationship to relationship. You cant find you in all of the mind and heart drama. I think we divorce a lot out of selfishness and blame. The first thing we do when we aren't happy in a marriage is blame the other person then try to change the marriage, when really we need to change ourselves. I know its hard to be the bigger person and the peacemaker, but we need to stop the "when he does this then Ill treat him differently and such" and look into our own faults. The hardest part of change is watching the other person not change or respond after all our hard work, but if we throw in the towel there then that means we only changed or played a game to get what we want and when the other person doesn't react the way we want then we change back meaning we actually tested the waters not actually transformed. We can transform without the other person changing anything and sometimes it makes a difference, sometimes it doesn't, but once you find you the true you, then your life is different regardless of your spouse. I think one of the hardest parts of marriage is accepting change. We change as we age and mature and our bodies, thoughts, situations, kids, etc they just grow but Ive been in a couple relationships that cant handle change or growth. My partners married or dated me one way and think I should have stayed that way forever. A lot of things changed when the relationship matured and they weren't all relationship oriented for instance my body. Im not the same 19 year old as I was when I first got married; my body isn't the same as it was at 21 when I was married...it just isn't! Love might be confused and have trouble adjusting, but it should accept it and move forward not always waiting for it to go back to the good ole days...at some point we need to cherish today and make new good ole days because many of us aren't who we were 20 years ago (thank goodness! .....but I wouldn't mind having that body back :). Love keeps going even when its trampled over and it definitely doesn't do the trampling (on purpose). I really think we marry to soon and for the wrong reasons and I only say that to think how happy a couple is when they get married and how they treat each other 7-10 years later. One observation I have also made is that I don't see my older friends treat each other this way so either they never have or they worked through it because when your in the mess of troubled relationship you could never imagine or want to be that person for 20 more years, but how do we get there from the alter? I really feel that I have been unsuccessful at relationships because Im selfish....in the beginning I give and give an give and give but then I get tired and then lazy then its all about me and when we forget to put the other person first we start having a power struggle. I am actually seeing a trend and it only took me three marriages (ugh). If only young people would listen and if only I had learned sooner....the pain that could be/ could have been salvaged and not for me, I was the least pained in my divorces I was the instigator. Before I married the third time, I called a friend and said, " Ben asked me to marry him....what should I do?" The friend replied, "well....do you love him"......Ummmmmmm, not knowing what love was or how it felt my reply was, "I don't know", I may still not know if I was ever in actual love but I know if the above descriptions are what love is or isn't then I must be in love. I have my best friend who knows EVERYTHING about me and he chose to marry me (again), something tells me that must be love even though I don't feel it. The example in Hosea of love tells me that I have the real true love story even though I don't completely recognize it. When God showed his love to us it was mostly through sacrifice. Why is it that we throw our hands up when it comes time for us to sacrifice but yet we want the blessing?