Failing forward

I get a lot of compliments about the things I do and how good I am at them. To me Im just doing what I can and thought I was a hard worker and an overachiever, but people seem to think there isnt anything I cant do. I cant draw or cut a straight line or circle, I know that for a fact. But kidding aside, I just had a car conversation and therapy session with myself and I learned something new about myself last week. I already knew I had a fear (obsession really) of failure. I know it came from trying to please my military unrealistic parents from a small age when all I was told is how I could have done better and anything I did could have been better. It instilled me to work harder and harder hoping that one day I would please my parents and at 15 when I just couldnt please them, my friends or keep a boyfriend that I proceeded a few avenues of taking my own life. When my step mom told me not to ruin her new white carpet when I died so she didnt have a mess to clean, was the moment that I believed I was completely useless and worthless. After the attempts were unsuccessful, and weeks in a mental hospital were over, my grandparents were back from Texas from my grandpas cancer treatments and I moved in with them until my mother forced me to uproot back to California to a house of 7 where I was just another person to take up shared space. In high school, in California I had to not figure out who I was but pretend to be who everyone else thought I should be so they would like me, I worked hard at becoming a people pleaser and followed around people doing what they said because I was afraid that they wouldnt like me. I didnt really have those issues in Oklahoma, I got along with everyone just having problems figuring out who I was if my parents even hated me. Back and  forth I moved and situation after situation, bad choice after bad choice....my grandpa died. The only person who ever made me feel special and he was gone! I lost what was left of me inside and no longer had anyone left that I cared about to disappoint, I was useless to everyone else so down the pit I went. I ended up in a young abusive marriage with a baby at 19 and wanted more for my son than the miserable life I had. I quit using drugs and went into nursing school and decided I was going to not let down my son. From that point on, everything I did people just raved. I went to work at the hospital and had to be the number one employee, I worked in sales part time and had to be the best sales person. I grew a challenging desire to succeed and be at the top of everything I did because it made me feel wanted and successful not wasted. I learned I could be apart of something and have worth. I made myself insane reaching to be the best and conquer everything I touched and if I cut it short then I was totally devastated, just shattered my whole world if I wasnt the top. I went to work at an oil company in the accounting department and had to be top producing...it was crazy how insane I made myself. I went to top at every job then got bored and started over with a new job till I reached the top and so on. If someone used another realtor then I failed, just ate me up inside where I couldnt get out of bed for weeks. Even when I owned my own restaurant and catered if anyone didnt like something I made, I couldnt cook for weeks....I mean if I failed anything, I was traumatized. I went after every award I could achieve just to satisfy some desire to be worthy and if I didnt get it I quit and went somewhere else so I could. Pageants? theres nothing better than a good ol pageant to make you feel like the biggest failure in the world....so much for world peace! I became even more bitter, cold and hateful as I manipulated whatever I had to to get to the top. I got everything I ever set my hands on and became a monster. I thought I was on top of the world, but so empty inside. Two failed marriages at 31 years old just added to my inside misery of failure. I was miserable, my three kids were miserable, I disappointed everyone in my family and town by leaving my husband. I once again was a useless failure. It was then that I was reunited with Christ and my light switch flipped on. I saw life with a whole different set of eyes, but still had patterns unnoticed. Piece by piece, God is renewing me in every aspect of my life. I dont act like that monster anymore and I know I was salvaged on the day I made those suicide attempts because I have worth to God and purpose. Im created by and for his purpose and that changes everything. My worth and value is not determined by success in this world, or a popularity contest, or by how much money I make or the things I can buy. I would have succeeded at suicide at some point, but God blessed me with my son and I knew I could never be that selfish and hand him a life or make him feel that worthlessness by a parent. I learned last week why I never fail and it comes down to this...I dont put myself in positions to fail. I cant handle letting someone down or not being the best at everything so I only do things I know I can conquer to stay on top. This is why every missions trip I have emotionally fallen apart, it wasnt the trip or mission, it was that I let people down in my behavior and to me failed because I wasnt the fake perfect Heather I had grown to be. Im searching to find the real me and it always seems I fall apart in situations that are most important to me. I know Satan plays these tricks to block the people I look forward to really working with to show who I have become and where I have been and where Im going, I always do something ridiculous in front of the "church" people that discredits me and of course leads my inner self to fail and Satan throws the thoughts, behaviors and attitudes that really just destroy me anytime I proceed to work for the kingdom. Ive been unraveling the true work of God for the last three years, and this was called out to me last week. I cant buy the experiences of the trips, I cant control those trips, I cant change anything or be the hero, therefore I have let myself and team down, but thats not what they were about to begin with. Im learning to build relationships over being the superhero. Being the superhero is exhausting and expensive. Im getting out of debt a third time because I live a lifestyle I cant afford and this time it wasnt glamour it was charity, fundraising and giving. Really all I learned from it was when the monetary gift giving and helping people out with things that they didnt need me anymore. What it taught me was that I was paying people to be my friends, when I became broke and couldnt give the people in my life disappeared leaving me once again failed. Ive learned not to put faith in people, but in God alone and with that its been hard to build relationships when I have nothing to give but me. My trust is now in God so that even when the people leave, I am not empty. Im learning to be a team player that can have fun even when the team is sloppy and underachieving. I said I was learning, it still makes my skin crawl and stab my gut to be apart of it, but Im getting better. I couldnt even let my kids help me with cooking or a project because it had to be so perfect and my kids dont deserve that treatment, and I didnt know I was wrong....but I can only imagine how the inside of my kids feel like maybe they wouldnt do it good enough or up to my military expectations. I have slowly been treating my kids the way I grew up and not even noticing it and when I wont let someone do a project or be apart of a team, what Im really telling that person is that I dont trust them and think they cant do a great job. I have made people feel so small and useless just because of my fear of failing. My heart didnt ever want to make people feel the way that I have. It really makes me sad to think I unknowingly treated people so bad just because of my own insecurities. Ive been so worried to anything that has my name attached that it be the best that I never looked around to acknowledge the people and the spirit of what we were really doing to begin with. I dont sign up for things Im unfamiliar with because if I cant conquer them in my mind I failed and I dont want people to see me fail. To this day, I still cant please my dad but Im ok with that because the work Im doing is pleasing my heavenly father and I was created by him. I discovered this last week when I was put in charge of a fundraiser for work and when the goal was short and I didnt have the funds to fill in gap which I would have normally done to have glory (for the team of course...yea), I was shattered that I failed at something I really didnt sign up for and it just hit me....The reason I dont fail at anything is because I stay safe and play on my own field where I have home advantage and access to all Heather powers and tricks. I dont get out of my comfort zone and I have no choice but to succeed because it has my name attached to it. Im not saying its all bad, I have a quality reputation and a business of integrity, but its time to color outside my own lines and learn. Its time to move forward with this growth opportunity and challenge myself to new opportunities. I have signed up for a teen challenge missions trip in July. I was asked by pastors why I would go on a trip that doesnt require any building and on the inside Im defensive like they are telling me I cant do it because its relational and I will fail terribly, but my heart and eyes are open to whats going on inside of me and how Gods using me for his glory and I have to say, Im really excited about this trip. I havent been this excited about a missions trip since Haiti the second trip and its because I already knew the plan and was comfortable. This is all new with 12 other people driving to New York and back and doing some outreach. Nervous, yes....but excited that God has chosen me to go and preparing my heart for whatever he has planned. This feels like a new beginning to me and another layer has been peeled back. I keep reminding myself that failing in my eyes might be Gods plan of moving me forward and that he doesnt see failure in me the way I do....what an experience and journey.