Impressions

They say first impressions are the most important and I never really cared about what people thought of me until this point in my life. I have my goals set on opportunities to grow my passion for real estate, teaching and also missions. I have always worked hard at meeting the requirements it took to get "the prize" but always disappointed when Im not considered for these opportunities. I have always focused so hard on doing what it takes and loving to win the "competitions" and although I never compromised my reputation, character or integrity, I never recognized that my behavior and attitude was working against me. Im not proud of the way I behaved from ages 16-30 and even a few episodes after but it is true when I say I am not the same person as I was. There are many people that see a change in me and to be honest some that don't including my own family which is devastating in itself but I can only be responsible for that by my actions. I hate that when people think of me they remember hateful, cold, unfriendly Heather that had to take some kind of "happy pill" or alcohol to be friendly. Unfortunately my first impressions have stuck and I haven't been able to shake them from the people that I want to understand the most. When I started real estate I was 21 years old making a six figure income and thought my poo didn't stink. It was instilled in me from a younger age that I had what people worked their whole lives for with three of my own business' and so from my viewpoint I was the teacher and example of what everyone wanted to be and what I said or thought was important. Sad, I know. The movie, "The devil wears prada" makes me laugh, that was me on my throne and the thought that everyone wanted to be me. I had heard it so many times, I believed it and it went to my head, even in my marriage I thought I was irreplaceable until I was replaced...talk about a reality check. It was easy for me to teach others what I knew and loved when people came to me for help, but was a disaster when it came time to learn something. I was a know it all and nothing drives me more crazy then a know it all. I was my own nightmare and I know someday I will teach classes and get my payback, Ive learned about paybacks through my kids lol. At this point in my life, I have come off my "throne" and the thought that Im unteachable and know everything has caught up to me not only in my thought pattern but also in growth opportunities. I know that my cold front was just a shield protecting myself and a bit of rebellion, I have always had the passion to teach and help others and as my patience, tone and tolerance levels have changed I know that one day I will get there. I know that my mission begins at home with the three beautiful children God gave me and I continue to grow and learn each day. I have learned to get to know people by talking to them and with them and that each conversation is not about me (I know right...yes, I was that stuck up), but not on the inside. I have many qualities that have been hidden because I was more into my cool factor and being young and hip. The thing is that I hurt myself by trying to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be or to keep the image I made for myself, when really had I been the mature business down to earth person I always was on the inside then maybe I would have advanced in my career.. I prided myself that I could be in any mood and people could deal with it rather than pulling myself together and being a responsible adult. Its not that I was ever immature, really I do better with older people....it was just that I thought the world revolved around me. I made a fool of myself at many functions and classes, not because I was acting absurd or crazy but because my attitude and behavior was closed down and downright rude. I didn't care then, but I am humiliated now and the thing is Im reminded often of my behavior so I know that impressions really do matter and are hard to change. As I look back I realize that I was being stretched and challenged and instead of looking bad or failing, I just shut down and reacted to cover the emotions and it worked. I am well respected for my honesty and candor, but the tone and attitude was overbearing to most. I apologize if you were affected by me and your reading this, please accept my apology it wasnt ever to be mean really I have the softest heart with pretty pure intentions, I was just lost and hurting trying to find my way and when I got to a place where I felt I was at the top I maintained. I cant say it was a act of needing attention, or trying to run the show...I just had an emptiness that I tried to fill and whatever filled it temporarily I went with and when the ride was over, I went to the next thrill because it kept me on a high. As I look back it was the teachers and leaders of the group or activities that I was the rudest and most disrespectful to, it was absolutely NOT intentional, and I know they were only trying to teach me and I lashed out at them the most. So ashamed of how I acted and I will be retaking most of those classes again, not only to learn the information to grow my business, but in hopes of showing those people that really is not who I am. Its time to be a grown up and a beacon of light for Gods kingdom, the nervous energy and emotions of not being the best and being a failure has slowly been washed away. Its hard to fear failure while self destructing yourself into failure because you were so afraid to be a failure....Gods healing has showed me that I have purpose and its not just in real estate or a task. I have purpose as a servant of his and that is humbling and peaceful for me to trust in him and look at the lessons and teachings he is trying to mold and shape me for his purpose, not my own. I know that with my gifts and talents along with my experiences and passion that I will be able to teach one day and make a humble difference in the world rather than causing destruction as i have in the past. It takes a great amount of understanding and took many years to get through my stubborn head, but the amazing fulfillment and peace that trusting God has brought me is irreplaceable. Opportunities will come and go, but the people I impacted negatively I will try to reverse forever. The last thing I ever want is to negatively represent or impact the kingdom of God and have others turn away because of my mood or behavior. We are here to preach the gospel (Mark 16:15...my fav). I know we all have bad days, but my life is about him not me and I know that many positive things will outcome in the future...not from me, but the examples of Christians everywhere. Please know the way you act directly impacts someone on the fence or on the other side of the kingdom and can lose a life forever.