On the search to seeking Gods will

I pray for God to show me signs along the way of his will about things, but then it seems I am always looking for things to be warm, fuzzy and comfortable. The truth is if things are from God.... then they are probably waaaaay outside my comfort zone. "yea God, Ill do your will as long as Im in control and feel comfortable" is what comes in mind. My thinking has been Ive been training in life for bigger things to come so Ill be ready when God calls me. The truth is...I just know how to do a lot of things and chances are when God calls me it will be something out of my control and comfort zone because he is God. How can I glorify him if I treat him like a bench warmer. "Just stay there God on the bench and watch my life "the game" and if I need you, then I know you are right there waiting". It doesn't really work that way, does it? Furthermore, as I said before in a post not too long ago, God has already called on us as his children so waiting for the c...

I have been so busy this month that I haven't had time to clear my heart or mind. Usually when I have something on my mind, it comes and goes and sometimes once blogged out it has a way of giving me peace and I move forward, but this is something that has been weighing on my heart for awhile and finding the right words isn't coming easy. I thought maybe if I just went ahead and typed it out even if I don't publish, I can at least rest my mind and heart. The question, "what is love" has been knocking at my heart for while. I know this isn't the first time I have wandered in this direction, but as I watch couples my interest and curiosity just makes me wonder even more. Recently, I have read many people wishing "the love of their lives" a happy birthday or anniversary. I cant help but notice these aren't newlyweds so clearly not honeymoon talk, but couples that are around 20 years plus in their relationship. I find it consuming because I have never...

They say first impressions are the most important and I never really cared about what people thought of me until this point in my life. I have my goals set on opportunities to grow my passion for real estate, teaching and also missions. I have always worked hard at meeting the requirements it took to get "the prize" but always disappointed when Im not considered for these opportunities. I have always focused so hard on doing what it takes and loving to win the "competitions" and although I never compromised my reputation, character or integrity, I never recognized that my behavior and attitude was working against me. Im not proud of the way I behaved from ages 16-30 and even a few episodes after but it is true when I say I am not the same person as I was. There are many people that see a change in me and to be honest some that don't including my own family which is devastating in itself but I can only be responsible for that by my actions. I hate that when peopl...

I get a lot of compliments about the things I do and how good I am at them. To me Im just doing what I can and thought I was a hard worker and an overachiever, but people seem to think there isnt anything I cant do. I cant draw or cut a straight line or circle, I know that for a fact. But kidding aside, I just had a car conversation and therapy session with myself and I learned something new about myself last week. I already knew I had a fear (obsession really) of failure. I know it came from trying to please my military unrealistic parents from a small age when all I was told is how I could have done better and anything I did could have been better. It instilled me to work harder and harder hoping that one day I would please my parents and at 15 when I just couldnt please them, my friends or keep a boyfriend that I proceeded a few avenues of taking my own life. When my step mom told me not to ruin her new white carpet when I died so she didnt have a mess to clean, was the moment t...

Of course, the title takes me back to those two (haha) little red headed girls trying to get their parents back together but in this case Im talking teenager!!! HELP!!! Can I even change the font letters to be bigger and bolder when I scream help? I'll admit, I thought I had it pretty easy having all boys and considered a drama free zone as a reward to my perfectism (yes, Im choking and gagging along with you)....but this hormonal thing that I have heard all my friends talk about and as Im having flashbacks of what was said to me at this age...OMG! I have great kids, dont get me wrong....but they cant know it all! There is an answer for everything, a eye roll for everything, a sarcastic remark and final word for everything, "ughs" for everything asked, tears and mental breakdowns...UMMM, I think my mom packed a broken record in my house because I am flashing back to twenty years ago. I wasnt arguing everything why the heck did they keep annoying me with that, they were ju...

I've been let down so many times by people in the ministry, I somehow saw them as the all knowing, answer filled, go to people and have been steered wrong so many times that I closed off to all. What I have realized the last two years is that they are the same as me, they just prioritize differently. One thing I noticed while watching "The Bible" series is that the disciples of Christ were the followers of Christ which is actually the meaning of "Christian". Ok, I knew that...but what I didnt know or ever payed attention to is that they were following a teacher and training to do the same thing. When Christ died on the cross and the disciples saw him again, they didnt just stop there. The series showed them as they split up and went their own ways but what they did was teach the stories of Christ and about the ultimate God. Yes, they were all killed in the end, but they were killed teaching Gods promises and I find that going to foreign places and teaching about...

I'm ashamed and a bit embarrassed to even admit this after being a Christian 20 years (2 years being a Christ follower).....that there have been many times I questioned if God is real. The fact is I learned that we follow Jesus because he was innocent/pure and died for our sins, but the truth is innocent people die for other people all the time. The truth is there are people in the ministry that die for their religion and for worshiping God all the time and we don't worship them. It's not all the time I feel this way but it has crossed my mind several times throughout the years. I question God usually in times of tragedy when innocent lives are lost and it seems more and more recently (lives lost, not questioning God). My family has been watching "The Bible" series and I'm seeing the bible differently. The fighting, wars and innocent life lost a lot over greed. I love watching Gods favor and the miracles, but am distraught by the violence. I can't help ...