Perfect Religion

I've been let down so many times by people in the ministry, I somehow saw them as the all knowing, answer filled, go to people and have been steered wrong so many times that I closed off to all. What I have realized the last two years is that they are the same as me, they just prioritize differently. One thing I noticed while watching "The Bible" series is that the disciples of Christ were the followers of Christ which is actually the meaning of "Christian". Ok, I knew that...but what I didnt know or ever payed attention to is that they were following a teacher and training to do the same thing. When Christ died on the cross and the disciples saw him again, they didnt just stop there. The series showed them as they split up and went their own ways but what they did was teach the stories of Christ and about the ultimate God. Yes, they were all killed in the end, but they were killed teaching Gods promises and I find that going to foreign places and teaching about Christ would really make them missionaries. They were all at one time of some kind of profession other than teaching, but God called them to become fisherman of souls. The idea is and I saw a church billboard the other day that said "Fisherman: you catch them and God will clean them"......I LOVE to fish, but this is another level. Fishers of man or men, you catch them (teach and/or lead) and God will clean (save, heal, restore, etc). Matthew 4:19 says follow me and I will make you fishers of men". We are all as Christians to be teachers of Christ by living and fulfilling his word. People in the ministry are not to be pedal stool, but they are choosing to lead their lives for God. We should all be doing that, not just on Sunday. I have spent way to much time carefully planning and practicing what to say and how to look and behave around church people, my whole life in fact...when instead I need to just be me, but a maturing me. Nobody ever expected me to perform the role of perfect religion except for me. Growing up, church was the thing to do on Sunday and Wednesday if you were a good kid, then you went home and lived your life. I always lived two very different lives when really I should have molded them together, I didnt know any different...but I do now. I get nervous if Im around a pastor or speaker or missionary because I think I just cant compare to how great they are, when really if I could prioritize my time and relationship with God I would or could be in the same place or more because really they are just teachers and missionaries of Gods word. I have been so focused on crossing off activities on my perfect religion card, that I have missed the lessons completely. I was worried how I looked, or who noticed me, or what time it was, or if I was missing some juicy piece of info, or whats for lunch or afternoon plans before Monday hit.....but my soul was dead. I've spent the last two years refocusing my priorities and even though I have grown, there have been times that I have just completely missed the purpose and journey. The truth is what I avoided most as I walked in service late and out early was relationships. I didnt want anybody to touch me, talk to me, or ask questions because then they couldnt hurt me or judge me. I stopped volunteering and plugging in because I didnt want anyone to get to close to see I lived two lives or be able to hurt me and influence my opinion of church people, when really I was just with drawling and distancing myself from God and the truly happy person I learned to become was smothered back with doubt, worry, fear, hurt, regret and depression. Every time Ive been in a position to be relational without a drug or drink, I have panicked and completely bombed the religious act I was attempting. Its because I was there for all the wrong reasons. My deep down heart and motives have always been in the right place, I just didnt channel or focus them wrong and they have always came out as nervous energy to a point where I tear up and quiver my voice or run out of breath talking (I think I hold it unknowingly and then take a deep breath to breath and my words come out weird). Its easier to judge all the other people I see doing things wrong than to look into my own life and see how that paralyzes my soul, I have been a very negative and critical person on the inside and fake on the outside and as I sit back and evaluate my self, that makes me totally self absorbed and again totally missing the reason I have even been created. This life is not about me and what I think, its about doing Gods work and teaching his words. Its to be a missionary all the time because I am a Christian which is a Christ follower all the time, not just in the field or on a trip. God is love and God loves people, so if I am going to be an example of Christ, then Im going to have to genuinely be interested and love other people, not just the ones I have manipulated into getting what I want, but all people. I have this weird thing about people, I love the people at the bottom because they are appreciative and humble. They show me what living life should really be about and I strive to take what I have and use it for the Glory of God because I know without him, I am nothing and to be something I want instead of what God wants is really not being at all....its surviving and I dont want to be surviving or maintaining....I want to be spiritually living and leading so that we all are saved and in the presence of God when this world fails us and it will. We can choose the road we want to take to the finish line and even though we get multiple chances there is only one road. I am so glad that I am called out and can clear my heart. I am so glad that our father gives us many chances to get up when we fall. I dont need perfect religion in my life, I need God and he the only perfect I know, everyone else is on the same field. We have the same opportunities and choices as those in the ministry, I believe we should all be in ministry ,thats really what we are here to do anyway. A friend reminded me of the story of Moses yesterday and ironically I watched a reenactment in a show last night and it showed me what I must sound like to God, he said "Please God, Im begging you, use someone else" "Why me God" "Who am I to carry out your work, I cant do this"....and the flaming bush disappeared, he was reunited with his brother after all the years of being out alone and God used them to free an entire period of history for the Hebrews. He did it and led his people out of Egypt, but so many times, I attend the church service for everyone one else to do their jobs, Im just the guest. Nope, the truth is I am their sibling and we have the same father and are in the same family, we have all been called to the family business. I have spent too much time trying to figure out where God has called me to begin doing his work when the truth is, I could have been doing it the whole time. Personally, I think a talking burning bush would have been easier, but chances are I would have ignored that also while dancing and skipping through my little life of me minding my own business. True and intimate happiness comes from the relationships we build. Putting myself out there is what needs to be done and I have taken baby steps, but I think as with most things, really internalizing them first and having the ah ha moment seems to turn the switch to the perfect setting. I am there and I am ready. I believe this is what my pastors have attempted to stretch out of me, but I just wasnt ready. Im confident in myself and God at this point to say I am ready to really make the effort to build relationships and show people around me who I really am on the inside and take down some of the walls I have built around me. Many layers have falling over the last couple years, but there is still a seal and I think its time to break into it and soften back to the way I was about 20 years ago. For the record even though your not keeping tabs...last week...are you ready? I had a pastoring couple from our church out to my house for dinner and a few months ago, a missionary family...are you stunned? I still am, I survived, had a great time and ready for more!! This past weekend I volunteered for a community outreach organization and only had one (ok two) small panic attacks but worked through them instead of walking out...yes, I did...Oh yea baby!!