On the search to seeking Gods will

They say first impressions are the most important and I never really cared about what people thought of me until this point in my life. I have my goals set on opportunities to grow my passion for real estate, teaching and also missions. I have always worked hard at meeting the requirements it took to get "the prize" but always disappointed when Im not considered for these opportunities. I have always focused so hard on doing what it takes and loving to win the "competitions" and although I never compromised my reputation, character or integrity, I never recognized that my behavior and attitude was working against me. Im not proud of the way I behaved from ages 16-30 and even a few episodes after but it is true when I say I am not the same person as I was. There are many people that see a change in me and to be honest some that don't including my own family which is devastating in itself but I can only be responsible for that by my actions. I hate that when peopl...

I get a lot of compliments about the things I do and how good I am at them. To me Im just doing what I can and thought I was a hard worker and an overachiever, but people seem to think there isnt anything I cant do. I cant draw or cut a straight line or circle, I know that for a fact. But kidding aside, I just had a car conversation and therapy session with myself and I learned something new about myself last week. I already knew I had a fear (obsession really) of failure. I know it came from trying to please my military unrealistic parents from a small age when all I was told is how I could have done better and anything I did could have been better. It instilled me to work harder and harder hoping that one day I would please my parents and at 15 when I just couldnt please them, my friends or keep a boyfriend that I proceeded a few avenues of taking my own life. When my step mom told me not to ruin her new white carpet when I died so she didnt have a mess to clean, was the moment t...

Of course, the title takes me back to those two (haha) little red headed girls trying to get their parents back together but in this case Im talking teenager!!! HELP!!! Can I even change the font letters to be bigger and bolder when I scream help? I'll admit, I thought I had it pretty easy having all boys and considered a drama free zone as a reward to my perfectism (yes, Im choking and gagging along with you)....but this hormonal thing that I have heard all my friends talk about and as Im having flashbacks of what was said to me at this age...OMG! I have great kids, dont get me wrong....but they cant know it all! There is an answer for everything, a eye roll for everything, a sarcastic remark and final word for everything, "ughs" for everything asked, tears and mental breakdowns...UMMM, I think my mom packed a broken record in my house because I am flashing back to twenty years ago. I wasnt arguing everything why the heck did they keep annoying me with that, they were ju...

I've been let down so many times by people in the ministry, I somehow saw them as the all knowing, answer filled, go to people and have been steered wrong so many times that I closed off to all. What I have realized the last two years is that they are the same as me, they just prioritize differently. One thing I noticed while watching "The Bible" series is that the disciples of Christ were the followers of Christ which is actually the meaning of "Christian". Ok, I knew that...but what I didnt know or ever payed attention to is that they were following a teacher and training to do the same thing. When Christ died on the cross and the disciples saw him again, they didnt just stop there. The series showed them as they split up and went their own ways but what they did was teach the stories of Christ and about the ultimate God. Yes, they were all killed in the end, but they were killed teaching Gods promises and I find that going to foreign places and teaching about...

I'm ashamed and a bit embarrassed to even admit this after being a Christian 20 years (2 years being a Christ follower).....that there have been many times I questioned if God is real. The fact is I learned that we follow Jesus because he was innocent/pure and died for our sins, but the truth is innocent people die for other people all the time. The truth is there are people in the ministry that die for their religion and for worshiping God all the time and we don't worship them. It's not all the time I feel this way but it has crossed my mind several times throughout the years. I question God usually in times of tragedy when innocent lives are lost and it seems more and more recently (lives lost, not questioning God). My family has been watching "The Bible" series and I'm seeing the bible differently. The fighting, wars and innocent life lost a lot over greed. I love watching Gods favor and the miracles, but am distraught by the violence. I can't help ...

I feel like Im on a roller coaster of spirituality....I just feel so drained, so down and so not happy, in fact, no where like I was two years ago when I started this journey. Circumstances arent a factor, this is deeper inside of me. The outside of me is great and Im very blessed in all aspects of my life, but there is something deeper inside of me that is drowning. Back in January, I did a fast. The norm is the Daniel fast for 21 days and as I started out this time, maybe a week into it....I realized I had this food thing down pat. Ive Daniel fasted enough times to know the "drill" and what recipes I could bend and draw the line out to be following the guidelines but ya know....so I decided maybe I needed something different. As I set for Africa, I decided to attempt to get myself together and go on my first facebook fast (and all other social media) (except blogging ;). After a week of Daniel fasting which was absolutely incredible as usual, I decided to facebook fast ...

Ok, so I know I have been quiet since I got back from Africa and the reasoning is...I had to self talk within myself and you know from reading previous post thats not so easy when I hear voices and have to try to mediate between them. Africa is an absolutely beautiful country with many natural resources. I love traveling in itself and all the adventures that go along with it. Missions trips on the other hand have proved to be a bit of a challenge for me and almost to the point where Im not really sure why Im going. I waited to blog about my experiences to make sure that I wasnt emotional typing and wanted words to be a little more clear, but my feelings just havent changed. People keep asking me about my trip and Im just not sure what to say. It was not life changing like everyone expects it to be and I didnt have any amazing "ah ha" moments, I was just going with the flow. I choose which trips that I go on carefully by the tasks and what resources I can bring to the group an...