I feel like Im on a roller coaster of spirituality....I just feel so drained, so down and so not happy, in fact, no where like I was two years ago when I started this journey. Circumstances arent a factor, this is deeper inside of me. The outside of me is great and Im very blessed in all aspects of my life, but there is something deeper inside of me that is drowning. Back in January, I did a fast. The norm is the Daniel fast for 21 days and as I started out this time, maybe a week into it....I realized I had this food thing down pat. Ive Daniel fasted enough times to know the "drill" and what recipes I could bend and draw the line out to be following the guidelines but ya know....so I decided maybe I needed something different. As I set for Africa, I decided to attempt to get myself together and go on my first facebook fast (and all other social media) (except blogging ;). After a week of Daniel fasting which was absolutely incredible as usual, I decided to facebook fast and at the end I really felt that was dumb and I really felt further from God than I did before. The idea was to spend more time with God than wasting it with garbage. I did find other things to do, but didnt feel intimate with God and the normal miracles that follow a fast didnt take place. The point Im trying to get to is this though....even though I bombed the spiritual test on that one (badly), I learned something else that really made me have an "ah ha". Did you know if you dont post on facebook, you dont have notifications? In fact, I realized either I have 2000 respectful "friends" that knew I was on a fast, or 2000 "friends" that could care less if I just disappeared. This wasnt a publicity stunt or an attention test, but it taught me a few things. I also read a joke not to long ago something to the effect of " I was looking down at my funeral and surprised that none of my 2000 facebook "friends" were there". I laughed and immediately thought that will be me and coincidentally I have about 2000 Facebook friends which made it even funnier (at least to me lol). So, I did think Id try a few things out and it proved true. If I liked a bunch of status and commented on them and posted a blog....then my statistics on the blog went record high and I had a bunch of notifications and conversations and socially I was great.....but if I got sick for two days and posted nothing, no notifications because I learned life moves on with or without me so the "relationships" I feel I have are just not the same as actual relationships with people, in fact I had a couple people text me and ask if I was ok because they noticed I hadnt posted and it wasnt like me so, I found out who my 5 out of 2000 friends were. Please dont think Im being dramatic here, this all feeds into how Im feeling, how I got here and where Im at as I talk myself through it by journaling (blogging) for others who may feel the same or have insight.
The truth is this.....I have a wonderful life and reputation. My reputation is what other people think of me and majority people think Im great (not bragging or trying to be cocky...just stating a point). But my character is who I really am. Its easy for me to go through my daily life upright and put together for everyone to see and like, but my inside is drowning and calling out (starving) for Gods desires of me. Ive spent my whole life trying to have the perfect "facebook" life (not actually, but hopefully you get what I mean) so that others will think great of me and tried to think great of myself, when really it only mattered what God thought of me and even at my worst he never turned his back or held down his head in fact he just opened his arms wider as I rejected him over and over. Why would I care what anyone thought of me, when I have Christ inside of me? Is it because of what my character might reveal? As a follower of Christ others should see him through me and two years ago they did...today, not so much. What changed? My love didnt, but maybe my desire did? I keep waiting on God to tell me what he wants me to do and yet at the same time, Im falling further away from him. I truly do not think that is what his plan was, but I got tired waiting. I finally stopped dragging my stubborn self by the nails and opened up and said "I will" only to give up because I didnt hear what I was supposed to do so maybe I was wrong...maybe he wasnt calling me, I dont know. I am not yet who Im supposed to be, but dont know who Im supposed to be....that is an awkward and confusing place to be in. I dont want to live half way for God and yet, I feel as though Im slowly sliding into my old self when I worked so hard thinking I was transformed. I am a new creation, so why are my old habits wearing in on me? For years I thought if I just reached the top and was the best at everything that I do then I will be something and the truth is all it made me really was a jerk. I was great at fooling people into thinking I had it all and all together, but what I realized is I did have it all, I just didnt appreciate it until I lost it....but I never had it all together because I didnt have God. Now I have God and still cant get it together, but the hard part to swallow is that I did have it all and all together two years ago, so why am I letting it go? Being bi polar doesnt help Im either on top of the world or the scum of the earth and it could happen with one remark, let down or success. I became such a perfectionist that if I missed the mark, then I valued myself really just worthless and if I nailed it then I was on top of the world and ya cant touch that mode. (Sizzle) The greatest thing about finding comfort in Gods word is that he doesnt find us worthless and his standards are not of this world so even if the entire world thought I was worthless, the only opinion I care about at this point is his and that brings peace in itself. I live under Gods grace and standards and they are in a far different category than any of this world. All I care about is what God says and thinks of me, but I truly am at a place where I dont think Im in good standings...not sure why I just know that Im not doing enough for the kingdom of God and that really has my heart very heavy. I might be able to fool everyone else, but Im not fooling God. I know that God will take my greatest weaknesses and turn them into beautiful masterful strengths thats why he gets me into all these kid and women situations lol...he knows its not my comfort zone, yet they keep coming up to a point where I volunteered for childrens church and became admin of a womans Christian group of ladies, and thats why Ive met various women over coffee or lunch the last year....hes got something planned and its gonna be great and I will have many stories to share. If you notice a trend in the bible of God taking someones weakness and what was their shame and made them masterful in using those to create the greatest strengths, teachers and preachers. I may not know my purpose, but I know I have one. I know that I have conviction that I didnt have B.C. (before Christ). I know now why my relationship with God feels unreachable....because I dont live the same way I did two years ago. I miss the milk and honey land where I had happiness for the first time in my life ever and yet I am choosing to live differently yet still wanting to have a life of milk and honey (the promised land)....it doesnt work that way, If I want to reap Gods greatness, then I need to dive in and seek him and grow, learn and be willing to transform and change. I think I went from one extreme to the other thinking Im changed and lets call it good, but the fact is...I let go of God somewhere along my walk, he didnt let go of me. I walked away through my lifestyle as he just waited patiently for this very moment where I turn around and think where did he go? As I just realized I kept walking on my own pace and pattern, I left my bride standing when in fact, I should still be walking side by side instead of wondering where God went, I need to turn around and go find him.I bet hes patiently waiting right where I left him waiting for me to notice I left him and turn around and go get him back! The truth is that my life no longer reflects who I am inside and who I want to be. I am redirecting myself and starting over if thats what it takes for me to get back to the promised land, because it was that great and I miss it. I am Gods work in progress and will be his masterpiece someday, I truly believe greater things are in store....I just pray I get back into the palette of colors for him to choose from. Who we are and how we live were not meant to be two separate entities they were designed in Gods kingdom to represent him and to be a beacon for his light to shine and somewhere along the way I made it about me and even though I make it a point to give God glory....its just not enough. "Gods divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" 2 Peter 1:3. The word also tells us in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are Gods masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago". I know that won't be wasted. I'm ready to go back to openly seeking and walking with him as I did in my promised land filled with milk and honey so that I become the person I was turning into only stronger to keep going on this path. What a journey, I feel as if along this walk I got lost and went in a circle only to find him and another path. Thank God for his endless grace and forgiveness. Hallelujah!!!
The truth is this.....I have a wonderful life and reputation. My reputation is what other people think of me and majority people think Im great (not bragging or trying to be cocky...just stating a point). But my character is who I really am. Its easy for me to go through my daily life upright and put together for everyone to see and like, but my inside is drowning and calling out (starving) for Gods desires of me. Ive spent my whole life trying to have the perfect "facebook" life (not actually, but hopefully you get what I mean) so that others will think great of me and tried to think great of myself, when really it only mattered what God thought of me and even at my worst he never turned his back or held down his head in fact he just opened his arms wider as I rejected him over and over. Why would I care what anyone thought of me, when I have Christ inside of me? Is it because of what my character might reveal? As a follower of Christ others should see him through me and two years ago they did...today, not so much. What changed? My love didnt, but maybe my desire did? I keep waiting on God to tell me what he wants me to do and yet at the same time, Im falling further away from him. I truly do not think that is what his plan was, but I got tired waiting. I finally stopped dragging my stubborn self by the nails and opened up and said "I will" only to give up because I didnt hear what I was supposed to do so maybe I was wrong...maybe he wasnt calling me, I dont know. I am not yet who Im supposed to be, but dont know who Im supposed to be....that is an awkward and confusing place to be in. I dont want to live half way for God and yet, I feel as though Im slowly sliding into my old self when I worked so hard thinking I was transformed. I am a new creation, so why are my old habits wearing in on me? For years I thought if I just reached the top and was the best at everything that I do then I will be something and the truth is all it made me really was a jerk. I was great at fooling people into thinking I had it all and all together, but what I realized is I did have it all, I just didnt appreciate it until I lost it....but I never had it all together because I didnt have God. Now I have God and still cant get it together, but the hard part to swallow is that I did have it all and all together two years ago, so why am I letting it go? Being bi polar doesnt help Im either on top of the world or the scum of the earth and it could happen with one remark, let down or success. I became such a perfectionist that if I missed the mark, then I valued myself really just worthless and if I nailed it then I was on top of the world and ya cant touch that mode. (Sizzle) The greatest thing about finding comfort in Gods word is that he doesnt find us worthless and his standards are not of this world so even if the entire world thought I was worthless, the only opinion I care about at this point is his and that brings peace in itself. I live under Gods grace and standards and they are in a far different category than any of this world. All I care about is what God says and thinks of me, but I truly am at a place where I dont think Im in good standings...not sure why I just know that Im not doing enough for the kingdom of God and that really has my heart very heavy. I might be able to fool everyone else, but Im not fooling God. I know that God will take my greatest weaknesses and turn them into beautiful masterful strengths thats why he gets me into all these kid and women situations lol...he knows its not my comfort zone, yet they keep coming up to a point where I volunteered for childrens church and became admin of a womans Christian group of ladies, and thats why Ive met various women over coffee or lunch the last year....hes got something planned and its gonna be great and I will have many stories to share. If you notice a trend in the bible of God taking someones weakness and what was their shame and made them masterful in using those to create the greatest strengths, teachers and preachers. I may not know my purpose, but I know I have one. I know that I have conviction that I didnt have B.C. (before Christ). I know now why my relationship with God feels unreachable....because I dont live the same way I did two years ago. I miss the milk and honey land where I had happiness for the first time in my life ever and yet I am choosing to live differently yet still wanting to have a life of milk and honey (the promised land)....it doesnt work that way, If I want to reap Gods greatness, then I need to dive in and seek him and grow, learn and be willing to transform and change. I think I went from one extreme to the other thinking Im changed and lets call it good, but the fact is...I let go of God somewhere along my walk, he didnt let go of me. I walked away through my lifestyle as he just waited patiently for this very moment where I turn around and think where did he go? As I just realized I kept walking on my own pace and pattern, I left my bride standing when in fact, I should still be walking side by side instead of wondering where God went, I need to turn around and go find him.I bet hes patiently waiting right where I left him waiting for me to notice I left him and turn around and go get him back! The truth is that my life no longer reflects who I am inside and who I want to be. I am redirecting myself and starting over if thats what it takes for me to get back to the promised land, because it was that great and I miss it. I am Gods work in progress and will be his masterpiece someday, I truly believe greater things are in store....I just pray I get back into the palette of colors for him to choose from. Who we are and how we live were not meant to be two separate entities they were designed in Gods kingdom to represent him and to be a beacon for his light to shine and somewhere along the way I made it about me and even though I make it a point to give God glory....its just not enough. "Gods divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" 2 Peter 1:3. The word also tells us in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are Gods masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago". I know that won't be wasted. I'm ready to go back to openly seeking and walking with him as I did in my promised land filled with milk and honey so that I become the person I was turning into only stronger to keep going on this path. What a journey, I feel as if along this walk I got lost and went in a circle only to find him and another path. Thank God for his endless grace and forgiveness. Hallelujah!!!
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