Ok, so I know I have been quiet since I got back from Africa and the reasoning is...I had to self talk within myself and you know from reading previous post thats not so easy when I hear voices and have to try to mediate between them. Africa is an absolutely beautiful country with many natural resources. I love traveling in itself and all the adventures that go along with it. Missions trips on the other hand have proved to be a bit of a challenge for me and almost to the point where Im not really sure why Im going. I waited to blog about my experiences to make sure that I wasnt emotional typing and wanted words to be a little more clear, but my feelings just havent changed. People keep asking me about my trip and Im just not sure what to say. It was not life changing like everyone expects it to be and I didnt have any amazing "ah ha" moments, I was just going with the flow. I choose which trips that I go on carefully by the tasks and what resources I can bring to the group and somehow I feel like Im missing something when I get back because I just dont have the same feelings or behavior everyone else does. The last thing I want by going on so many is to be desensitized by the reality and hardships of the people and become cold in a situation we are supposed to be warm in however, evidently I see things from a different view and I seem to keep "missin it". Im battling inside of my head and heart with this...Am I missing something or am I just different and I kinda thought it was ok to be be different, but everyone else is making such a big deal of me not being like them. Is this me being stubborn and I need to learn something, or am I just standing up for what I believe in and who I am. Im really not sure and I keep in this whirlwind of thoughts that really are just eating me up inside. I hate to be the "drama case", but Im hoping by getting this all out, I might have better clarity.
I wrote notes down when I was there and I keep going back to them. I had more downtime by myself on this trip than any other and maybe thats just the way God made it for this purpose...Im not sure, I hate to be alone for this very reason...my mind goes crazy when Im not distracted and busy. I titled this piece "Growth" from my notebook:
" Ive been waiting for this trip for over a year. The mission was to build a church, then I heard we may be building bigger one, then two, then maybe multiple locations and I was just ecstatic!! The plans changed a couple times and I was ok with that just going with the flow in which I knew I had grown because in my prior trips this kind of thing would have ruined the "trip". Selfish, I know but apart of this growth journey. As the schedules were passed out, I noticed "build" blocked out for three days but we were to be gone 12...WHAT?!...Naturally, I went into panic mode...I came to build and we are only building 3 days, what are we supposed to do the rest of the time??? I signed up to build a church or two and now they give us 3 days? How could any structure go from nothing to finished in three days? Yep, theres more...we were to assemble the steel frame and roof thats all....natural disappointment, holding back tears and a bit of anger. Steel? I know nothing about steel...I had resources to add to the team and now I just let them all down in a major way. I felt more like a liability than a asset. So as I held my head down I noticed the schedule again and it read "alternate activities for non construction people" BIG GULP, I realized for the first time that I was going to be a "girl" and be on the non construction team...I internally cried for hours. If your wondering what was so bad about that, then you really dont know me at all. My heart was broken and terrified of what I would be doing when the "guys" went to build the church, the reason I signed up for the trip. I was signed up to go to Brazil a couple years ago for this very same thing and couldnt go last minute only to find out that in Brazil it was not in their culture for a woman to do the physical labor, so the women went to help cook and play with the kids. If I had been on the trip, I would have never gone again because my focus was the build and the place where I was at in my life and spiritually journey had no flexibility in it so as I looked at the alternative actives on this trip and took a deep breath, I was unusually peaceful about the other activities which included feedings (which I love by the way) and home visits which at this point in my life are my spiritual enemy stabbing me in the gut. From my first mission trip two years ago and 6 more I have accomplished a great deal of attitude check and flexibility, now I just need to work on disappointment. Thailand was a bit more challenging because I had personal problems going on during the trip and I was in the middle of my drastic Heather change so I had a pretty good amount of struggles not to mention there was no building but rather teaching English to kids...LOVED the orphanages and homes and culture, teaching English not so much seeing how I am very stage fright. I did ok on the group settings but breaking into groups...I thought I was dying. I have decided to be willing and obedient on this trip and try to open up and look for God moments. Wherever my team needs me, then I will go."
Of course this took place as we got there and Satan challenged me a couple times and even won my spirit a time or two and I was checked by the pastors (how embarrassing btw). I came back each night to write about my day and many times I used capital letters in my cry outs to God, then realized that "I CAPPED GOD" Literally, yelling at God on paper in capital letters. Then of course felt guilty for "capping God". One night we were sitting around and the missionary had a surprise event of us doing a childrens program, unannounced before or Im sure I would have cancelled the trip....yep, God was CAPPED all that night and then I realized...Hes God, I should have expected this and everything else that was unravelling...Our God has a funny sense of humor especially when it comes to me, I think he likes to get a rise outta me lol.
One of the pastors said, "When you people come- we are never the same".....That was a heart melt moment for me. The feeding program we did those kids only eat 3 times a week when the program feeds them, at home there is no food and if their was it goes to adults first much like Haiti. One thing that shocked me was how hot the mannapack was and even burned my hand when it spilt and the kids had no forks so they went and ate the bowl with their hands. I cried out when a piece of rice hit my hand and foot and these babies dipped their little hands in and fed themselves.
I like purpose and accomplishment, I like feeling that a difference was made, but not just when we are there. The important thing for all of these countries to be able to grow their own food and have trades they can use from each other to create some form of exchange. I admire the groups we have been with on these missions because they are teaching the people to do for themselves and create hope and growth within their own villages. I dont agree with trips that come in and do things for the people then leave and the people have have no way or money to continue and it dies. The important thing to me is that these villages learn to use and trade their own resources and I have been blessed to work with great people who want that also like Randy Freeman and Amanda Knoll who showed and shared what they are doing in Swaziland and Laurel who had a home in Chaing Rai, Thailand that had their own gardens and resources to sell like rubber and animals. Mission of Hope in Haiti has helped numerous villages restart their own resources and business and its just amazing what they all do. I LOVE being apart of this and long to do more. I know a seed has been planted in my heart to be able to do this ministry around the world and I know the skills, trades and resources God has equipped me with in all different aspects of my life will someday put to good use. I feel like I have my hand in everything right now so that someday I can show others how to do it themselves and be self sufficient. I love helping people and accomplishing great things, Im just really bad at the relationship part which makes me come across in a very different way then my heart and I think that is sad. People misread me so bad because my outside doesnt match my inside and I really want to fix that.
I did get to work on the build, after my attitude shined through, the boys let me work on the roof on the last day and I was in "Heather Heaven"...I am ashamed of my behavior, but glad they took me up on my offer to help with the build, it did complete my heart. I spent more time in personal conflict on this trip over who I was, who Im supposed to be and what God wants from me...the easy answer would be he wants it all and Im willing to give all, but still dont really know what that looks like for me...I am still very lost inside and being alone the amount of time that I was did not help. I was told that "I am task oriented and that was great but sometimes I miss the journey being too focused on the task" I agree with that statement, but eyes and heart wide open, still not understanding what I missed. I signed up to build, the build was complete....not sure what else on this particular trip that I was supposed to find, but at this point, I dont feel like I found it. I know these trips are not about me, but Im still searching to find what they are about...if they arent supposed to be about the task then Im still lost as to why I sign up, but yet continue to love them. I will humbly keep searching.......
I wrote notes down when I was there and I keep going back to them. I had more downtime by myself on this trip than any other and maybe thats just the way God made it for this purpose...Im not sure, I hate to be alone for this very reason...my mind goes crazy when Im not distracted and busy. I titled this piece "Growth" from my notebook:
" Ive been waiting for this trip for over a year. The mission was to build a church, then I heard we may be building bigger one, then two, then maybe multiple locations and I was just ecstatic!! The plans changed a couple times and I was ok with that just going with the flow in which I knew I had grown because in my prior trips this kind of thing would have ruined the "trip". Selfish, I know but apart of this growth journey. As the schedules were passed out, I noticed "build" blocked out for three days but we were to be gone 12...WHAT?!...Naturally, I went into panic mode...I came to build and we are only building 3 days, what are we supposed to do the rest of the time??? I signed up to build a church or two and now they give us 3 days? How could any structure go from nothing to finished in three days? Yep, theres more...we were to assemble the steel frame and roof thats all....natural disappointment, holding back tears and a bit of anger. Steel? I know nothing about steel...I had resources to add to the team and now I just let them all down in a major way. I felt more like a liability than a asset. So as I held my head down I noticed the schedule again and it read "alternate activities for non construction people" BIG GULP, I realized for the first time that I was going to be a "girl" and be on the non construction team...I internally cried for hours. If your wondering what was so bad about that, then you really dont know me at all. My heart was broken and terrified of what I would be doing when the "guys" went to build the church, the reason I signed up for the trip. I was signed up to go to Brazil a couple years ago for this very same thing and couldnt go last minute only to find out that in Brazil it was not in their culture for a woman to do the physical labor, so the women went to help cook and play with the kids. If I had been on the trip, I would have never gone again because my focus was the build and the place where I was at in my life and spiritually journey had no flexibility in it so as I looked at the alternative actives on this trip and took a deep breath, I was unusually peaceful about the other activities which included feedings (which I love by the way) and home visits which at this point in my life are my spiritual enemy stabbing me in the gut. From my first mission trip two years ago and 6 more I have accomplished a great deal of attitude check and flexibility, now I just need to work on disappointment. Thailand was a bit more challenging because I had personal problems going on during the trip and I was in the middle of my drastic Heather change so I had a pretty good amount of struggles not to mention there was no building but rather teaching English to kids...LOVED the orphanages and homes and culture, teaching English not so much seeing how I am very stage fright. I did ok on the group settings but breaking into groups...I thought I was dying. I have decided to be willing and obedient on this trip and try to open up and look for God moments. Wherever my team needs me, then I will go."
Of course this took place as we got there and Satan challenged me a couple times and even won my spirit a time or two and I was checked by the pastors (how embarrassing btw). I came back each night to write about my day and many times I used capital letters in my cry outs to God, then realized that "I CAPPED GOD" Literally, yelling at God on paper in capital letters. Then of course felt guilty for "capping God". One night we were sitting around and the missionary had a surprise event of us doing a childrens program, unannounced before or Im sure I would have cancelled the trip....yep, God was CAPPED all that night and then I realized...Hes God, I should have expected this and everything else that was unravelling...Our God has a funny sense of humor especially when it comes to me, I think he likes to get a rise outta me lol.
One of the pastors said, "When you people come- we are never the same".....That was a heart melt moment for me. The feeding program we did those kids only eat 3 times a week when the program feeds them, at home there is no food and if their was it goes to adults first much like Haiti. One thing that shocked me was how hot the mannapack was and even burned my hand when it spilt and the kids had no forks so they went and ate the bowl with their hands. I cried out when a piece of rice hit my hand and foot and these babies dipped their little hands in and fed themselves.
I like purpose and accomplishment, I like feeling that a difference was made, but not just when we are there. The important thing for all of these countries to be able to grow their own food and have trades they can use from each other to create some form of exchange. I admire the groups we have been with on these missions because they are teaching the people to do for themselves and create hope and growth within their own villages. I dont agree with trips that come in and do things for the people then leave and the people have have no way or money to continue and it dies. The important thing to me is that these villages learn to use and trade their own resources and I have been blessed to work with great people who want that also like Randy Freeman and Amanda Knoll who showed and shared what they are doing in Swaziland and Laurel who had a home in Chaing Rai, Thailand that had their own gardens and resources to sell like rubber and animals. Mission of Hope in Haiti has helped numerous villages restart their own resources and business and its just amazing what they all do. I LOVE being apart of this and long to do more. I know a seed has been planted in my heart to be able to do this ministry around the world and I know the skills, trades and resources God has equipped me with in all different aspects of my life will someday put to good use. I feel like I have my hand in everything right now so that someday I can show others how to do it themselves and be self sufficient. I love helping people and accomplishing great things, Im just really bad at the relationship part which makes me come across in a very different way then my heart and I think that is sad. People misread me so bad because my outside doesnt match my inside and I really want to fix that.
I did get to work on the build, after my attitude shined through, the boys let me work on the roof on the last day and I was in "Heather Heaven"...I am ashamed of my behavior, but glad they took me up on my offer to help with the build, it did complete my heart. I spent more time in personal conflict on this trip over who I was, who Im supposed to be and what God wants from me...the easy answer would be he wants it all and Im willing to give all, but still dont really know what that looks like for me...I am still very lost inside and being alone the amount of time that I was did not help. I was told that "I am task oriented and that was great but sometimes I miss the journey being too focused on the task" I agree with that statement, but eyes and heart wide open, still not understanding what I missed. I signed up to build, the build was complete....not sure what else on this particular trip that I was supposed to find, but at this point, I dont feel like I found it. I know these trips are not about me, but Im still searching to find what they are about...if they arent supposed to be about the task then Im still lost as to why I sign up, but yet continue to love them. I will humbly keep searching.......
I think you hit upon something. Humbly keep seeking. As you draw near to God, He will draw near to you. He WILL be found, when you seek Him and His way with all of your heart. Just don't put God (or you) in a box. He made you uniquely in a way that beautifully fits His plan and His story. Trust Him with that, and don't sweat the rest. It's part of the journey. I appreciate your authenticity as you walk through the journey. It's not always obvious, but when you can't see His hand, I am utterly convinced you can still trust His heart. He's got you!
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