On the search to seeking Gods will

Ok, so I know I have been quiet since I got back from Africa and the reasoning is...I had to self talk within myself and you know from reading previous post thats not so easy when I hear voices and have to try to mediate between them. Africa is an absolutely beautiful country with many natural resources. I love traveling in itself and all the adventures that go along with it. Missions trips on the other hand have proved to be a bit of a challenge for me and almost to the point where Im not really sure why Im going. I waited to blog about my experiences to make sure that I wasnt emotional typing and wanted words to be a little more clear, but my feelings just havent changed. People keep asking me about my trip and Im just not sure what to say. It was not life changing like everyone expects it to be and I didnt have any amazing "ah ha" moments, I was just going with the flow. I choose which trips that I go on carefully by the tasks and what resources I can bring to the group an...

As I spent the last few days in Africa, I've been trying to figure out my purpose here. The churches turned out to be steel which Im unfamiliar with, so I've gone with the women to do what I thought was feedings and turned into home visits (my least favorite part of every trip). I havent been able to pray "on cue". I feel like I need to be led by the spirit. This has NEVER gone well with church groups as they have always tried to force this kind of ministry on me and my answer has always been "NO"! I am very intimate with God in my own way, I don't need someone telling me who, what or when I have to pray. I'm not scared or fearful, I just have a more intimate relationship with God when it comes to prayer. For starters, I speak in tongues, exactly how is our translator supposed to convey that in places that are full of witchcraft. If someone came to my house and started praying for me all crazy, I would not be coming to God...I would push God further ...

As I'm preparing to leave for Africa in a week, I'm closing out basically my life. All the business' I run will come to a close out phase to where I can stop and start the bills, money, move ins and outs, while someone else maintains while I'm gone. I have mentioned this before in my blog, but before every trip I close out myself as well. Yes, realistically I could die today or before a week when I leave, however putting myself "out there" makes my chances a little higher. These trips are not the safest and that's why many people don't go, but as I've grown radical in Christ, I don't want to live safe and comfortable because that's not what God has placed us here for or called us to do, particularly me. I've always been known for being "hard" and unemotional, but I've grown up in a military family and that's just how I am. It's not that I don't feel, I just don't express a lot of it. I really feel that this...

I read something the other day that said something to the effect that you need a little bit of jealousy in your relationship so that your spouse knows they are special or non replaceable to you and to a certain extent I thought good point, but as I went along my way something inside me just kept going on the thought. I have major issues with jealousy and I never did before. I really think mine stem for non trust issues and I believe that is the case with most relationships. I was never jealous before because I felt I couldnt be replaced, but when my husband cheated on me and when I was divorced, the next girl stepped in and I was gone (kinda, but thats another story). Once I learned I could be replaced, I worked harder at the relationship....why did it take my husband with another woman to make me work harder on the relationship I am still trying to analyze. But now if my husband is texting across the room I become jealous and if he comments or even likes a facebook post of a femal...

As I read other peoples post about what 2012 held for them, I began to reflect back through my year. Am I proud of myself or disappointed in what and who I have become and honestly my heart says both. I have fully embraced and enjoyed my children for the second year in a row and even though I try to live a life without regret, I just kick myself for every time I have taken for granted who I am to those children and why they were placed in my care. I missed so much and perhaps missed more than I will enjoy as we dont know the future. With life and death predominately around me this year, I have come to terms with the fact that we are not promised tomorrow, and even though I already knew that, it just became so crystal clear this year. Financially, I have just floated along and hit a couple unexpected curve balls. I really feel that I did better and was smarter about finances in 2011 and have regressed in 2012, part of that was taking on a family, but still have a lot of "stupid...

My spirit is so torn as the holiday season begins and the heaviness of the school shooting of those innocent babies. Grief stricken and heart broken might be better words. Everywhere I look the Christmas season has just become all about money and gifts, everywhere I go people ask me if Im ready for Christmas and have all my shopping done....NO! Ready for what? If I had Christmas the way I want to have Christmas, I would be making a birthday cake for Jesus, maybe some balloons spending the day talking and celebrating him and who he is, after all it HIS birthday and he came to save us in this EVIL world. This act of violence has just caused so much controversy and it all stems from the blame game. We want to know why and point fingers, someone to blame. The real accountability is with us and the way we are living as a country as a whole and to be honest, we will see more of these tragedies if we dont get serious with GOD, not our laws. This didnt happen because God isnt in our school...

I have volunteered for several years during the holiday season for different organizations, and I keep having the same experiences year after year....people are RUDE, and more importantly the people that are being helped are the rudiest! Over the years, I have gotten a bitter taste and slowly as the years have gone by, I volunteer less and less. Nothing beats the look on someones face when they have no expectations and you hand them anything and their face lights up as if you gave them the whole entire world....its the warmest soul food you could ever experience and maybe thats why I LOVE international missions. People in America just dont seem grateful and I really think because they havent experienced poverty. I see them coming up with new ways to beat the rules and systems in place to provide for everyone and yet they find ways to benefit their family leaving other families without. I see people signed up that really dont belong there, they just know whe...