As I read other peoples post about what 2012 held for them, I began to reflect back through my year. Am I proud of myself or disappointed in what and who I have become and honestly my heart says both. I have fully embraced and enjoyed my children for the second year in a row and even though I try to live a life without regret, I just kick myself for every time I have taken for granted who I am to those children and why they were placed in my care. I missed so much and perhaps missed more than I will enjoy as we dont know the future. With life and death predominately around me this year, I have come to terms with the fact that we are not promised tomorrow, and even though I already knew that, it just became so crystal clear this year.
Financially, I have just floated along and hit a couple unexpected curve balls. I really feel that I did better and was smarter about finances in 2011 and have regressed in 2012, part of that was taking on a family, but still have a lot of "stupid" things that I have done. I never realize how much I make until I get the church contribution statement and think really? Wow...real estate was good to me and I have been very blessed as usual. Then I think, where did all that money go? If the church got 20 percent then what the heck did I do with 80? Eye opening and Im still trying to figure it out...as usual and seems to be an ongoing battle. I did start investing in a 401k this year, so Im kinda proud about that lol, but with this government who knows I could be throwing away more money as I did with the stock market!
Spiritually, I feel I regressed in 2012 as taking on a family was harder than I thought. Its easy to be "spiritual" when your alone with God, but when you have to honor God through someone else, its a bit tricky....especially when your partner views things differently than you do. Even though my heart changed for God and my heart changed for marriage....actually doing it and going back to the same lifestyle I left and even with a different attitude just seems like a lost situation. Im so torn as to what God wants me to do and although I feel his calling on homeschooling and kids ministry and will follow through when I get back from Africa, I just feel like Im living two lives and I cant get them to intertwine as one, so I feel pulled between doing Gods work and marriage. My whole goal and what I thought was Gods plan was to do Gods work through my marriage and my reality is marriage is pulling me out instead. I married my best friend (twice) and while I know marriage is hard work, I am literally torn as to what is right for me. I know through circumstances that happened while we were apart and my willingness to let go and walk away that God had his hand in putting us back together or we would have gone our separate ways. I know my husband has been placed back in my life for purpose, I just struggle finding it. Opposites do attract, but they really do drive each other crazy.
I have started off each year for the last three years with a 21 day fast, last year was the shortest term, I gave in after a week. I did try to make it up in November and was freaked out being called to kids ministry that I cut it 6 days early. I leave for Africa on the 19th, so I will go from fast to mission trip hoping that this month will not only pave the way for the year, but also my life.
I really think that in 2013 I need to focus on work and work harder and smarter on the things that matter and give up the things that dont. In order for us to be able to homeschool, several debts need to be paid off and I am preparing the house to flip as soon as I can get to it. I know all in Gods timing. Real estate seems to be managed by God because every client we get is a true blessing and always comes through at the most incredible moments. Every time I have considered getting out of real estate, Gods reassures us that its where he wants us, after all it does provide me money and time for all missions trips and family. As I sell off more and more rental property, our finances get temporarily tighter then adjust, looking forward to when the houses make their own payments and expenses and we can begin to rest in the stresses of finances and live like normal people. We have created alot of financial damage living the way we shouldnt and its taken years to peel out of it.
One thing I've noticed about successful and effective people is that they work out and take care of their bodies. As mine starts to fall apart, I think it's time to take working out a bit more seriously not only for the way I look, but more to gain energy and have a productive way to let stress out.
Im tired of just going through the motions of life, I want to live to the fullest of what God designed me to do. I want to be greater than what Im doing just living day to day, paycheck to paycheck. Of all the struggles I have had, I never lost faith or sight as to what direction God was taking us and for me who has been up and down my whole life, this is a huge. It shows that Ive continued to grow and still "all in" looking for Gods purpose in myself and family. I just dont want to be looking for the purpose and waste my life away looking instead of doing. Im proud that I have hung on to his promises even if its been on my own. I owe him so much more than I have given and so thankful that a new year starts over for me to have another chance. I think its amazing that we serve a God that we can begin and change at any time, it doesnt have to be a new year, it just happens to be today that I have reflected. I love the fact that through all this confusion I never lost heart and passion. I cant believe Im putting in an application to kids ministry and really cant believe Im homeschooling....just absolutely God to me because those who know (knew) me, think Im completely off my rocker and there are days I agree with them.With that said, here goes a new fast, a mission trip and a new year for Gods glory to shine.
Financially, I have just floated along and hit a couple unexpected curve balls. I really feel that I did better and was smarter about finances in 2011 and have regressed in 2012, part of that was taking on a family, but still have a lot of "stupid" things that I have done. I never realize how much I make until I get the church contribution statement and think really? Wow...real estate was good to me and I have been very blessed as usual. Then I think, where did all that money go? If the church got 20 percent then what the heck did I do with 80? Eye opening and Im still trying to figure it out...as usual and seems to be an ongoing battle. I did start investing in a 401k this year, so Im kinda proud about that lol, but with this government who knows I could be throwing away more money as I did with the stock market!
Spiritually, I feel I regressed in 2012 as taking on a family was harder than I thought. Its easy to be "spiritual" when your alone with God, but when you have to honor God through someone else, its a bit tricky....especially when your partner views things differently than you do. Even though my heart changed for God and my heart changed for marriage....actually doing it and going back to the same lifestyle I left and even with a different attitude just seems like a lost situation. Im so torn as to what God wants me to do and although I feel his calling on homeschooling and kids ministry and will follow through when I get back from Africa, I just feel like Im living two lives and I cant get them to intertwine as one, so I feel pulled between doing Gods work and marriage. My whole goal and what I thought was Gods plan was to do Gods work through my marriage and my reality is marriage is pulling me out instead. I married my best friend (twice) and while I know marriage is hard work, I am literally torn as to what is right for me. I know through circumstances that happened while we were apart and my willingness to let go and walk away that God had his hand in putting us back together or we would have gone our separate ways. I know my husband has been placed back in my life for purpose, I just struggle finding it. Opposites do attract, but they really do drive each other crazy.
I have started off each year for the last three years with a 21 day fast, last year was the shortest term, I gave in after a week. I did try to make it up in November and was freaked out being called to kids ministry that I cut it 6 days early. I leave for Africa on the 19th, so I will go from fast to mission trip hoping that this month will not only pave the way for the year, but also my life.
I really think that in 2013 I need to focus on work and work harder and smarter on the things that matter and give up the things that dont. In order for us to be able to homeschool, several debts need to be paid off and I am preparing the house to flip as soon as I can get to it. I know all in Gods timing. Real estate seems to be managed by God because every client we get is a true blessing and always comes through at the most incredible moments. Every time I have considered getting out of real estate, Gods reassures us that its where he wants us, after all it does provide me money and time for all missions trips and family. As I sell off more and more rental property, our finances get temporarily tighter then adjust, looking forward to when the houses make their own payments and expenses and we can begin to rest in the stresses of finances and live like normal people. We have created alot of financial damage living the way we shouldnt and its taken years to peel out of it.
One thing I've noticed about successful and effective people is that they work out and take care of their bodies. As mine starts to fall apart, I think it's time to take working out a bit more seriously not only for the way I look, but more to gain energy and have a productive way to let stress out.
Im tired of just going through the motions of life, I want to live to the fullest of what God designed me to do. I want to be greater than what Im doing just living day to day, paycheck to paycheck. Of all the struggles I have had, I never lost faith or sight as to what direction God was taking us and for me who has been up and down my whole life, this is a huge. It shows that Ive continued to grow and still "all in" looking for Gods purpose in myself and family. I just dont want to be looking for the purpose and waste my life away looking instead of doing. Im proud that I have hung on to his promises even if its been on my own. I owe him so much more than I have given and so thankful that a new year starts over for me to have another chance. I think its amazing that we serve a God that we can begin and change at any time, it doesnt have to be a new year, it just happens to be today that I have reflected. I love the fact that through all this confusion I never lost heart and passion. I cant believe Im putting in an application to kids ministry and really cant believe Im homeschooling....just absolutely God to me because those who know (knew) me, think Im completely off my rocker and there are days I agree with them.With that said, here goes a new fast, a mission trip and a new year for Gods glory to shine.
I love that you shared this with the cyber world. I could definitely relate to a lot of what you said here. I will be praying for your mission trip.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Happy New Year to you and your family :)
DeleteHeather, I enjoy reading your posts. You open up, it comes from the heart, it is real and I believe many people can relate to what you say. You aren't hiding behind the picture of a perfect life like so many try to do. She show your vulnerability. Your humanness. You are an inspiration. I understand you better now. Please keep blogging and thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading, my heart is warm :)
Delete