On the search to seeking Gods will

I have heard and I have read about little girls wanting the fairytale ending when they grow up, married to Prince Charming and lots of children and everyone will live happily ever after. I never wanted the fairytale, is something wrong with me? I never wanted or needed to be swept off my feet or fall madly in love...it just has never been a desire of mine. Children were never a desire of mine either, I hear women say that all they ever wanted was to be a mother...I just never had those feelings. Am I broken or did I just have my fair share of reality from an early age? I love watching "chickflics" and to read a great love story...but I never envisioned it for myself. I never thought a guy would come and "save" me....where I came from, you are what you make yourself and you get there by sweat and sacrifice. Does this make me hardcore or heartless, Im not sure. Most people that marry three times you would call either a "drama" case or "hopeless romantic...

There are moments in life when we are not even swimming, we are just trying to keep our heads above water and there are those when we are drowning. I have learned that in the moments of drowning to stop fighting for life and let go because we serve an amazing God that promises us that he will provide our needs for us. Its interesting to see what we as Americans determine as needs. I do have a lot of frustration with tenants and am trying to change my attitude, but so far I just cant. I watch them everyday get government money and paychecks larger than mine and yet choose not to pay the rent which is half my mortgage. I have heard them tell me they had to do this or this came up and thats why they cant pay, but what I cant get through the minds is that we are all living the same life. If you need more money, sell your "stuff", eat less, work more and learn what real sacrifice means. Its really hard to travel the world on mission trips and see what in our terms of "nothing...

Most people think that I have turned crazy and/or wonder what has gotten into me lately....colored fingernails and toes, dark hair, tattoo, kid stuff, pinterest, cowboy boots and blue hair just doesnt seem like prim and proper "Heather". I can tell you that I feel more "me" than ever before. I have always felt like I was on the spot. Always in the spotlight, always being watched as pageant contestant, a business owner, a christian woman, young mom, model, and the list goes on. When I got divorced the second time, I felt like a mold and was in a shell for so long that I was set free and the weight of the world (my world) just fell off and I got the bounce to my step back! I realized that I had been trying to make my marriage look good for 7 years or more that it just wasnt. I wanted the perception that we had it all together....why, Im not sure. If I had to guess, I grew up so dysfunctionally that I wanted the world to know I was somebody and "I made it", b...

Bible thumper (U.S.) pejorative term used to describe someone perceived as aggressively imposing their Christian beliefs upon others. The term derives from preachers thumping their hands down on the Bible to emphasize a point during a sermon . The term's target domain is broad and can often extend to anyone engaged in a public show of religion, fundamentalist or not. The term is most commonly used in English-speaking countries. I had the privilege of talking to a friend who believes in God and has started to attend church regularly. The holy spirit is definitely working in her heart as she is attending currently, seeking more personal connection in small groups and as I walked into her room, Christian music was playing. Depending who you are and which side of the fence you are on, you either find that normal or weird. During our conversation she began asking questions and that is how I know the spirit is moving in her. This is not someone who grew up walking in the life of God,...

I have neglected to write the last two weeks, not because I didn't have time but because I'm in a down cycle of my bipolar. Its easy to write when your up, but when your down and negative it becomes difficult to have anything positive to say. Its not that I'm not thankful or grateful or blessed, I just feel so down. I don't want you thinking my life is too good to be true and that I'm not real, so I decided to at least let you know where I was at, so that you can see I'm a real person with real thoughts, feelings, emotions and struggle in my everyday walk. I really did hope and feel that my depression was gone for good and I was healed, its been over a year since I have had an episode to this degree. I have tried to write a few times, but had to delete....its just not a good idea to pull you into my thoughts. I learned about two years ago not to make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling. Writing is therapy for me, however there is some of my pity pa...

I have a had a couple people sarcastically say that I'm out trying to save the world, so I thought Id share my experiences with missions. I felt the calling to missions about 13 years old and always believed I would be a missionary in Brazil at an orphanage that was built by extended relatives and supported by my local church as well as other churches. Lets just say, my life took a different turn when I moved to California at 15 years old and instead of graduating, going to bible college and dedicating my life to becoming a missionary... I became a rebellious, drug and alcohol abuser, runaway and high school dropout. I was introduced to a church about three years ago that was doing a mission trip in Brazil and I just knew it was a "sign", so I signed up to go. I was depressed and my marriage was at the end of its existence, financial strain was intolerable and I was stressed to the max with rental property and real estate. Almost time to go and I found out I was pregnant ...

Ive been wondering over the last few weeks why I'm so calm about the "catastrophic" events (In Heather world) that would normally send me over the edge, for instance, tenants. Usually I have a small fuse and almost every moment of the day that I'm dealing with tenants is negative and full of anger. The last few weeks I have had major financial blows (which usually sends me over the edge by itself), tenants moving out without pay or notice, trashed houses, been to court numerous times lately, had people not pay and heard some pretty mean words from people and yet; I have not yelled, screamed, cursed, called names, thrown, stomped, stormed, huffed or puffed. I cant help but wonder what is wrong with me! (I'm not kidding, I have said that to myself and out loud several times in the last couple months) I have learned lately that the bigger the disaster, the bigger the glory to God is but in no way, shape or form did I consider my job apart of Gods perfect plan. It was...