On the search to seeking Gods will

Those that know me, know that I LOVE pageants. I love the competition, love to be girly and get dressed up and love to meet other woman from across our state. I started competing in 1995 in the miss teen California pageant only to compete with three hundred other girls. I loved every minute of it! Shortly after I started modeling and fell in love with the industry and all that went with it. I competed again in high school hoping for scholarship money, but after the pageant my life took me a different direction and I was married with a baby at 19. I thought my chances were over and to be Miss America and they were...but, years later I found a new pageant for married woman and the title of Mrs America and it was on. The first year, I had so much fun getting to know the girls and just being myself. It was a great pageant system and I really wanted to just do well. I was just a runner up, but was determined to come back the following year and win! I spent the entire year with coac...

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and falx and busily spins it. She is like a merchants ship, bringing her food from afar. she gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leader...

When your car needs an adjustment, you take it in. When your attitude needs an adjustment, you fight it and everyone else making things their problem instead of yours. I have had a MAJOR attitude problem for the last 17 years. I was so cold, closed off and emotionally shut down that whomever didnt like the way I was or what I said could go fly a kite! Not joking and for those of you that know me are either saying "amen", or still in shock that Im even admitting it because thats just "not me". But the good thing about grace and a renewed heart is that in process and time, the heart can change and when the heart changes sometimes the mind does also. As I mentioned before in a blog about sex,  as a sexual abused person, long term effects for relationships and coping turns into manipulation and controlling. Completely unaware of even considering myself a sexual abuse victim, I started putting together the dots and connecting lines, that I followed the same behavior patt...

I have sought out a couple dear friends to me that I look up to that are readers and writers asking for their opinion and feedback of this blog I've been writing for a little over a month. It's not about the numbers, it's about me journaling my path to finding Gods will and hoping that other people can learn or relate so they don't feel alone and give up. There are times though that I wonder of it's worth the criticism and vulnerably that I'm subjecting myself and family to. Honestly I believe the brief thoughts I have are satans setback trying to overtake my thoughts so I will just stop. I dont need Satan devaluing me to know how much he hates these messages, it must be like watching failure splashed in his face as we thrive to keep our home godly. I've been reading "The resolution for women" based in the movie "Courageous". Priscilla Shrier was the chosen author to write this book after the movie. I read several of her books and like th...

The last blog post was about being seen differently by people and not acting the way of the world. I have been mocked a couple times by the way I have chosen my life and Im ok with that, but my heart keeps telling me theres more to say. Its the wierdest thing to have your heart pulled and tugged for what has been on my mind, but the only way to put it to rest is to write it out. The podcast of life church was a series "from this day forward" learning five principles for marriage. I will use the same quote as before, it just got to me,"If you want to have a different marriage and family than everyone else, then you have to do things differently than everyone else". It really is a very powerful statement. We do have rules in our marriage and home that most people think is ridiculous and most of the time my husband thinks they are ridiculous, but weve been married before and you all know how that worked out so, if we want a different marriage, we will have to do differ...

I just feel like I have been under attack for the way I have chosen to live my life the past two years and even more so in the last 6 months. People in my life who have always been my biggest cheerleaders and supporters have let me know that they dont care for this blog or the things that I have said or done lately. I can count them on my hands and to me, even though its a strong hand, it just doesnt outweigh the hundreds of people who have shared their stories, hurts, hopes and let me know how much the things I write and say means to them and has helped them in their lives. Its bittersweet to see the strong hand fold, but at the same time...whos actually holding the cards to that hand? I have heard some really mean and hurtful things from people who just dont understand that Im different now than I used to be and again, I can count those people on my hands so you would think it doesnt matter, but it still hurts. I listened to a podcast last night from lifechurch talking in a series ...

I have learned to reverse roles before "blowing up" or even speaking (reacting) to avoid regret and overreacting. It took me along time to think about someone else and how they must feel, as I mentioned before it was literally my way or the highway and there was no such thing as fair in my previous life (pre-christ). All about me, I was so selfish and Im embarrassed to mention it, but at the same time demonstrating growth by even admitting it. The best example I can give you is when it all changed for me and why this was so eye opening for me after all the wasted years I spent angry, bitter and resentful. My husband is a firefighter and at the time was on shift every third day. We had small children (one with ADHD), a restraunt, rental property, he also worked on local ambulance and I sold real estate....did I mention I also worked at St. Francis as a nurse tech going to nursing school? (background info lol). He would be gone one full day and night and then come home and slee...