When your car needs an adjustment, you take it in. When your attitude needs an adjustment, you fight it and everyone else making things their problem instead of yours. I have had a MAJOR attitude problem for the last 17 years. I was so cold, closed off and emotionally shut down that whomever didnt like the way I was or what I said could go fly a kite! Not joking and for those of you that know me are either saying "amen", or still in shock that Im even admitting it because thats just "not me". But the good thing about grace and a renewed heart is that in process and time, the heart can change and when the heart changes sometimes the mind does also. As I mentioned before in a blog about sex, as a sexual abused person, long term effects for relationships and coping turns into manipulation and controlling. Completely unaware of even considering myself a sexual abuse victim, I started putting together the dots and connecting lines, that I followed the same behavior pattern my whole life and had no idea. California high schools changed my course for what I thought was building and becoming "who I was", but I know now that behavior is not who I was, it was guarding and protecting who I was and now that the layers have been peeled back one by one and sometimes grown back, but finally the core has been exposed. I am not that person anymore and I have doubts that I was ever really that person, but it was my game face for 17 years. I treated the people who I work with, who worked for me, tenants, family, kids, people in general so badly because I made my life about me and what I wanted. I made other people miserable and thrived on it. I dont regret things in my past because it molds who I am and will mark how far Ive come, but I do feel really bad for how I treated people even as recent as six months ago. There were two woman on facebook just bashing me about evicting tenants and throwing people out on the street and yet going to Haiti to "save the world". I got really angry that they could be that dumb and even question me as to where my heart is and deleted them thinking they must not know me and my heart if they think this of me, so they arent my friends "delete". I also had a friend not too long ago criticize what I was wearing at the lake and I just thought , you have to be kidding me...Just because Im a christian doesnt mean I cant go to lake and wear a swimsuit like everyone else...dumbest thing ever and Im thinking she is far from knowing what a christian woman is if shes going to criticize what I wear or post on facebook. Both of these happened within the last six months while Im on this journey to seeking Gods will and several months later, learning his words and his ways, I find myself thinking....I was so wrong again, but at the time I went off emotion instead of reason and made things worse with my temper, which made me wrong again.
I find my thoughts changing, my patience and tolerance changing, my temper, tone, sarcastic remarks and now even my thoughts have just chilled out and really kinda freakin me out. I feel like its a calm before the storm for me to remain so calm with my tenants and kids (its never happened before). I go with the flow, I say nice things, I dont mind strolling to the courthouse and do feel bad to evict even when the other person is in the wrong. I dont call people stupid and I dont speak without thinking....something is really wrong with me! Life isnt about me and making me happy, its about glorifying God and to glorify God you have to follow his word. There are things in me that I stood so strongly for that would never change and before my very eyes and sometimes overnight, my heart and mind changed courses against the way I previously felt. Its like an inner body experience. They say people dont change overnight, but I beg to differ. I realize in general that change is a process, but God can change your heart and mind overnight and my marriage is living proof! Im at perfect peace, but you know how when things are to good to be true, they usually are....Im sitting back cautiously thinking what has happened to me? I want to stay home with my kids, keep a happy marriage, get into ministry, I have friends (never before more than one at a time), Im at peace, I wear a smile and Im not disgusted with tenants......Its not like I want the old back, but this new is scary and I spent my whole life making fun of people that lived this way. They were too nice or fake and I was real and really branded myself around telling people the truth (my truth which is completely different than Gods truth). I dont want to be put on a pedestal because I dont want to hurt or disappoint people and my way of living is not for anyone else other than God, but I do realize at this point that people are watching and if it means watching what I say, wear, do then I need to represent God well but more importantly its not about watching what I say...its changing the content and mind frame beforehand so the thoughts and my words are uplifting and glorifying. I just put up a shed at the lake cabin yesterday and I will be the first to tell you some of my words weren't glorifying, bolt by bolt, screw by screw for a 8 by 10 shed that took hours in the heat, instructions that sucked and a million sheet metal cuts in my hands but at the end of the day all I felt was remorse for the way I acted. There were other family members helping and to them they read this and see me like that and think Im fake or pretend...thats not it, I just need to be in unison with my heart and actions all the time. Im still human but it doesnt give me an excuse to behave that way when Im feeling not "holy". The good news is, I can acknowledge when it does happen and change it where as before there was nothing to acknowledge it was the way I was all the time and if you didnt like it then you could not let the door hit you in the tail. I have conviction in me, I have the spirit in me and its a wonderful way to live. Heres to the start of an new week and all it holds for me......
I find my thoughts changing, my patience and tolerance changing, my temper, tone, sarcastic remarks and now even my thoughts have just chilled out and really kinda freakin me out. I feel like its a calm before the storm for me to remain so calm with my tenants and kids (its never happened before). I go with the flow, I say nice things, I dont mind strolling to the courthouse and do feel bad to evict even when the other person is in the wrong. I dont call people stupid and I dont speak without thinking....something is really wrong with me! Life isnt about me and making me happy, its about glorifying God and to glorify God you have to follow his word. There are things in me that I stood so strongly for that would never change and before my very eyes and sometimes overnight, my heart and mind changed courses against the way I previously felt. Its like an inner body experience. They say people dont change overnight, but I beg to differ. I realize in general that change is a process, but God can change your heart and mind overnight and my marriage is living proof! Im at perfect peace, but you know how when things are to good to be true, they usually are....Im sitting back cautiously thinking what has happened to me? I want to stay home with my kids, keep a happy marriage, get into ministry, I have friends (never before more than one at a time), Im at peace, I wear a smile and Im not disgusted with tenants......Its not like I want the old back, but this new is scary and I spent my whole life making fun of people that lived this way. They were too nice or fake and I was real and really branded myself around telling people the truth (my truth which is completely different than Gods truth). I dont want to be put on a pedestal because I dont want to hurt or disappoint people and my way of living is not for anyone else other than God, but I do realize at this point that people are watching and if it means watching what I say, wear, do then I need to represent God well but more importantly its not about watching what I say...its changing the content and mind frame beforehand so the thoughts and my words are uplifting and glorifying. I just put up a shed at the lake cabin yesterday and I will be the first to tell you some of my words weren't glorifying, bolt by bolt, screw by screw for a 8 by 10 shed that took hours in the heat, instructions that sucked and a million sheet metal cuts in my hands but at the end of the day all I felt was remorse for the way I acted. There were other family members helping and to them they read this and see me like that and think Im fake or pretend...thats not it, I just need to be in unison with my heart and actions all the time. Im still human but it doesnt give me an excuse to behave that way when Im feeling not "holy". The good news is, I can acknowledge when it does happen and change it where as before there was nothing to acknowledge it was the way I was all the time and if you didnt like it then you could not let the door hit you in the tail. I have conviction in me, I have the spirit in me and its a wonderful way to live. Heres to the start of an new week and all it holds for me......
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