On the search to seeking Gods will

So I have a disheartning confession...Im a plant killer (boo). My mother calls me PK (not joking). Its super frustrating to be so passionate about something and be so bad at it. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on plants, seeds, soil only to kill everything within months sometimes weeks. I research, I plan, I study and nothing. I can buy garden vegetable plants from the store and keep the plants alive but cant get them produce. Ive tried indoor gardening with lights, container gardening, in ground gardening and raised bed gardening with all the same results. I feel like I have even blogged all this trauma before now that I think about it because it s yearly disappointment. I can grow seeds into pods and give them away because I have so many then kill the plants I keep. What gives? I will tell you about 15 years ago I lived on a farm and had the most amazing garden EVER!! I also had the most amazing father in law that tended to it everyday. I had fruit trees and a blackberry garde

 I came across Hillsong music around 1997. I was 17 , just lost my grandfather the most precious person to me and with my heart full of "why Gods", there is just something about Hillsong music that brings me to my knees. This music has been with me through the hardest moments in my life ever since. I had no idea it was a church or school until recently. I have every CD (for those that know what that is haha) and they have been played over and over that Ive had to rebuy them. Now I have Hillsong music on pandora so it plays through my car. I can scream it at the top of my lungs on a good day or say nothing at all on a bad day. Last week I accidently stumbled across the documentary so I watched it. I learned alot. I had no idea any of that had gone on to be honest. I didnt know what to think or say so I took a couple days to process. I have said this before in past post about putting people in the church on pedestals. Yes, I have also been hurt on more than one occasion from mu

 I wish I can just say Russia is on the other side of the world and its none of my business what they are doing and go on with my perfect little life but somehow Ive grow up and matured a little and Im scared to death. There are days Im ready to build and fully stock a bunker and looking up survival tactics for a nuclear attack, other days Im convinced it will blow over and other days I think is this the end? Why fight for a life that we would be left with or a life without possibly my children depending where were at when the world breaks out into nuclear war. How would you breathe, drink, eat if no electric or sunshine or chemicals filling the air and burning all life outside. no electric, no banking, no automobiles working because they are powered by electronics. Does paper money have value if you even have it because a banking electronic system wipes out everything in the bank. What about medicines and drs, we are basically back to stone age in a time that people have no respect an

      Another year.... here we go with another eyeroll as deep as it gets. Im at my yearly holiday bahhumbug. Is it normal to cry during holidays? Is it normal to just crawl in a ball and stay in bed. I feel like Im giving up but maybe just exhausted. My feelings have not changed from my previous holiday post, I still cant comprehend the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I cant do the entitlement and selfishness of "me, me, me" and what everyone is going to get while I spend the next 6 months plus paying for it, Its damaging and my mental health suffers. Im not supposed to be shopping and cooking alone to prepare for a family holiday. Where did I go wrong that everyone is scattered until its time to eat and by then the day is over. I have almost all adult children now is this just something I have to get used to? When you see other families gathering and cooking together and doing all the Christmas traditions together and Im standing alone in the kitchen crying trying to coo

 Im exhausted, Im worn out...I just cant people. I cant even answer or look at my phone its always someone that has an issue, someone that needs something, some decision to be made. Im over it. Why is it so hard for other people to make plans, organize and decide? Why is it always me? Why is it assumed I will handle it all? Wouldnt it be nice for once....just once for someone else to make a plan, to decide, to organize, to pay...Im exhausted. Why am I always accused of being the bad guy and the control freak because no one else will do it so then I make things work and apparently Im the devil. I literally work 7 days a week, 12-14 hour days for everyone to be miserable and unhappy. What gives? If Im busy, Im, rude. If Im non tolerant of drama, Im cold. If Im having fun, Im lazy, If Im happy I must be up to something. If I dress up, Im cheating. If Im hyper then Im too much. If Im quiet apparently something is wrong....I just cant people. I just want to runaway by myself. Why do people