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Sex and intimacy is essential in a marriage....there is healing

Intimacy and sex are the hardest things to talk about in a marriage because it is based off of feelings and emotions. A marriage thats not having sex is really in danger the most and the reason as to why can vary, but needs to be addressed immediately or the relationship will suffer in all other aspects. Somehow everything gets centered around sex and its frustrating to us woman who are in for the feeling and emotion and guys are in it for the act, yet we have to work together to make both parties feel satisfied. This has been one of the hardest issues of all my relationships and has even caused a divorce (or two). Its important to know first off that men and woman view sex different otherwise you really are setting yourself up for failure. I have learned that sex is number one out of ten needs and wants of a man, yet its number ten of a womans list. The key to a healthy relationship is meeting your spouses needs and wants while your spouse is doing the same for you in the order of your need and want. Theres where the excuses and problems start, we begin to either be selfish or love conditionally. If he/she does this or makes me feel this way then I will give them what they want or Im too tired, dont feel like it, you dont deserve it, and yada yada yada. God writes it out in his manual (bible) how his desire and plan for marriage is to work. A womans body is not her own and she is not to deny her husband, as a husband is to care for her, honor and cherish her. There are many excuses from the way you look to your schedules and kids but you are digging a deeper hole when you omit sex and intimacy.

I just finished a class to better prepare for my missions trip in Belgium and it was over sex/human trafficking which is what we will be dealing with on this trip, but I learned so much more about myself. They had a list of long term effects of woman who have had sexual abuse. On the list was relationship problems, intimacy issues, controlling (so that no one will ever control them again), depression, manipulation and suicidal thoughts. I big eye opener for me as to I have dealt with all of those and yet never considered myself a victim. I thought I just moved on from being molested as a child and raped as a teenager, but the truth is, it has ruined every relationship that I have ever been in because the word "sex" is an act and I had no feeling about it other than hurt and resentment. I learned very early in life the word "no" means nothing it was going to happen anyway. In my first and second marriages I denied my husbands because I felt that if they loved my they would treat me better and then I would in return do "the deed" to keep them happy, but what happened is they treated me rotten and when the lights turned out, I was supposed to be a performing circus monkey and when it didnt happen, they would either do it anyway or turn very angry and mean. I used it as a manipulation tool rather than a blessing from God.  I looked at it as a curse and form of punishment. I absolutely HATED it. When someone will have it with you whether you want it or not you become a piece of meat and an object rather than expewriencing love and intimacy. I always knew that if I wanted something, what I had to do to get it. I was very, very broken.

If you havent read the novel "redeeming love", I suggest that you do, it is the greatest love story and book of healing and redemptiom that I have ever read. The short version is young girl was sold at age 8 into a sex house. She was very beautiful but after years very broken, a Christian man came to "rescue her" and she resented him and turned him down several times, she ends up going only to turn into a farmers wife. Knowing nothing about being a wife, she had to learn. She also felt like meat and knew what she had to do to get what she wanted. The whole book is based on his love for Christ and her and he proves his love over and over but she rejects him for years even running off and going back to the sex house. He rescues her again and shows her nothing but Gods love, she turns her life around and its amazing to read the ending. The same coldness, bitterness, hatred is how I went through two marriages and I just believed I didnt love and wasnt meant to be married. I cant believe that class opened my eyes to 32 years of coldness and stiffness towards men and love when I never considered myself a victim to begin with.

I have to choose a better life and heal my past patterns and behaviors. Its not easy, Satan is right there beside me always having thoughts in my mind that I have to battle before, during and after sex that I could actually be loved and be able to be intimate with someone that wont hurt me. This battle isnt over, but the fact my eyes are opened as to what has been going on is a whole new beacon of light shining in a different direction and I dont take it so personally that Im broken. It takes a strong and yet gentle guy to put up with someone like me, but understanding and following Gods will has made a 180 degree change in my life and marriage.

I understand people when they are miserable in their marriage and the first question I ask is if they are having sex and the looks are the same of my first two husbands and usually followed by I cant remember the last time or over 6 months, a year or even two. A relationship cannot survive like that. I understand there are medical issues but please seek treatment and at least be intimate with each other or the distance between you will grow. Once the distance is between you and your partner, you begin to live two different lives and the marriage needs major healing and restoration. It is important to remember Gods design for marriage and if you want to walk under his favor, you need to follow is word. This will not change overnight, but your heart can change for your spouse. I hope your issures arent the same as mine, but the feelings of bitterness and resentment are if there is distance between you. There is healing and restoration if you open heart and are willing to accept all God has for you and your marriage. You dont have to trust your partner to start, you can put your trust in God and he will lead your path straight and heal the brokeness of your marriage. Please get some help for your marriage if you are in this place and your girlfriends that are telling you to leave him are not the right counsel, please seek someone who values marriage and Gods perfect design for it.

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