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That time of year again


For everyone who has been around in my circle for any length of time, you know the holidays are just not my thing. Im usually off in another part of the country or sometimes even in another country....don't worry, my kids have a great family full of all the classic traditions. My husband has always wanted to host Thanksgiving with everyone home and so this year for whatever reason, I did it. Full of mixed feelings and emotions, Thanksgiving came and went. It was amazing having Thanksgiving with my children, they are so grown up. I am happy that we can enjoy a drama free day and all enjoy each others company and stories. The mess is just a mess and can be cleaned up anytime but the memories will last forever. I miss the peace that comes with new surroundings by traveling, but the emptiness and loneliness I usually feel wasn't a feeling this year. I had the warm fuzzy on a holiday. #winning.
Its the time of year of reflection which in the past has turned into regret, depression, guilt of all the things Ive failed to accomplish or have done wrong. Even though the reflection this year has the same meaning, I begin to find myself asking what can I do better and how I can fix things. Am I growing up? What is this new responsibility of acceptance and excitement rather than blame and depression. Owning and even admitting my failures rather than being succumbed by them. Is this what mid life crisis feels like? As we head to the end of the year closing up shop and begin another chapter I want to think of all the things we can do to make things better. I have found some passions and some new dreams along the way. I have some things that need to be cleaned up before starting a new adventures, but having hope for the first time in a long time makes the work worth it.
I want to live life to the fullest like everyday is my last. How can I leave a legacy of a life worth having it I don't live it? Why do we wait until we receive news that someone has an terminal illness or given a timeframe on how long they will live before we rekindle a relationship or even more forgive. Why is it so hard to forgive and give grace to those that wrong us yet we are the ones that internally suffer with bitterness and anger? I believe our children show us what unconditional love is and in turn how Gods love for us is real, but for everyone else we hang on to. We have to let things go, we only get one life to live and everyone will wrong us at one time or another. In retrospect, we will wrong others and we will want grace and forgiveness.
Its 72 degrees outside....on Christmas in Oklahoma, it couldn't be more beautiful for this California girl. My kids are with their dads side of the family and of course, Im in bed with my mind racing a million different directions. Im sure most of my vulnerability comes from staying up all night cat napping making sure Santa doesn't disappoint or miss Christmas morning with the boys but I just want better for them. I try to make holiday traditions and make it special for the kids in hopes that they carry on for their future families. I don't want my kids to suffer from my depression and although Im not the best at hiding it, I do try. I will cheer up when they come home and maybe get into all those Christmas goodies although my house looks like utter choas from all the car cleaning out drops through the front door. We have had our Christmas tree up going on 4 years...apparently , I have now become that person. Every year we make plans to make the next year better and to make it count why do we think we wont be in the same place this time next year? This too shall pass....

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