Skip to main content

Mid life crises?

Most people think that I have turned crazy and/or wonder what has gotten into me lately....colored fingernails and toes, dark hair, tattoo, kid stuff, pinterest, cowboy boots and blue hair just doesnt seem like prim and proper "Heather". I can tell you that I feel more "me" than ever before. I have always felt like I was on the spot. Always in the spotlight, always being watched as pageant contestant, a business owner, a christian woman, young mom, model, and the list goes on. When I got divorced the second time, I felt like a mold and was in a shell for so long that I was set free and the weight of the world (my world) just fell off and I got the bounce to my step back! I realized that I had been trying to make my marriage look good for 7 years or more that it just wasnt. I wanted the perception that we had it all together....why, Im not sure. If I had to guess, I grew up so dysfunctionally that I wanted the world to know I was somebody and "I made it", but I was so broken that by the time I got divorced, I had no idea who I actually was, what I was and where I was going. I began to soul search deeply, I lost several relationships during that time because I was so lost, I didnt know what I wanted so I just became alot of things. I didnt really go out and party and date alot because I got that wild streak out of me after my first divorce so the bar scene was just not my thing, but my character was extremely contradicting. I literally felt the old come out of me through the course of that first year and there were people who got caught in the middle and didnt make it to the end to see the new me (the real me) and if they did then they didnt like it and left anyway. I dont have burned bridges or regret, but I do feel bad that I mislead people. It was never on purpose, I just didnt know what I wanted or who I was. I was in the middle of being pulled from the world to heaven and ended up in the middle for awhile. I had to establish new values, new morals, new character, dreams, goals, everything to build up from scratch the person I am now. I just want to be me! Im tired of always disappointing people and failing...I just want to be me, not what everybody else expects of me. I thought that once I found me, I would surround myself with people who accept me for me but thats not what happened. The people who I surrounded myself with turned on me because I wasnt the old me and I had a decision to make. Either fight for those relationships or walk away from them and I chose to walk away. They werent easy decisions, but I had to keep my focus on what I want for my life and keep my heart open for what God wants me to do and who he wants me to be. I have controlled things for so long that it was huge for me to fall on my knees, arms open wide and say "I surrender" and "Im all in Lord" where do you want me?!. I am a crazy, wild, free spirit that has been taught to act this way and that way and dont say this or that and my chains are finally broken....I dont want to be anyone else, I just want to be the best me that I can be. I understand that Im in the real estate business and maybe the nose ring isnt such a great idea (yes, it caused problems lol) and Im sure my blue hair wont be welcomed arms wide with my boss, but its just temporary for the second half of October....a time to be creative and fun, right? Come on, live a little :)


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hillsong

 I came across Hillsong music around 1997. I was 17 , just lost my grandfather the most precious person to me and with my heart full of "why Gods", there is just something about Hillsong music that brings me to my knees. This music has been with me through the hardest moments in my life ever since. I had no idea it was a church or school until recently. I have every CD (for those that know what that is haha) and they have been played over and over that Ive had to rebuy them. Now I have Hillsong music on pandora so it plays through my car. I can scream it at the top of my lungs on a good day or say nothing at all on a bad day. Last week I accidently stumbled across the documentary so I watched it. I learned alot. I had no idea any of that had gone on to be honest. I didnt know what to think or say so I took a couple days to process. I have said this before in past post about putting people in the church on pedestals. Yes, I have also been hurt on more than one occasion from mu...
Post a Comment
Read more

2024

 Here we are... Happy New Year!! So, what are your resolutions and goals for 2024? Ill tell you mine... none. Ive been wondering what is wrong with me so I googled "What does it mean if you have no goals or dreams" Diagnosis...lacking motivation and unambitious. Interesting. I get up every day and work 12-16 hours a day usually 7 days a week to keep things going yet I have lack of motivation and unambitious. Hmmm. Another diagnosis was lack of purpose, ok I might get on board with that one. I have been asking God my whole life what my purpose is and why am I here. I have felt the answer a few times and things seem to explode while I was doing it. So, that cant be right. I get doors close and and another one opens but how many have to shut before you figure out what your supposed to do with your life? Whats the purpose in finding it right before your life ends...why cant we spend our whole lives doing our purpose our mission before final resting and the words "good job my...
Post a Comment
Read more

PK

So I have a disheartning confession...Im a plant killer (boo). My mother calls me PK (not joking). Its super frustrating to be so passionate about something and be so bad at it. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on plants, seeds, soil only to kill everything within months sometimes weeks. I research, I plan, I study and nothing. I can buy garden vegetable plants from the store and keep the plants alive but cant get them produce. Ive tried indoor gardening with lights, container gardening, in ground gardening and raised bed gardening with all the same results. I feel like I have even blogged all this trauma before now that I think about it because it s yearly disappointment. I can grow seeds into pods and give them away because I have so many then kill the plants I keep. What gives? I will tell you about 15 years ago I lived on a farm and had the most amazing garden EVER!! I also had the most amazing father in law that tended to it everyday. I had fruit trees and a blackberry garde...
Post a Comment
Read more