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3 years huh?


I cant believe its been three years since Ive taken the time to unwind my crazy mind. So much has happened, most Im not proud of but hey...its life. My mind, ok fine...my heart has been turning lately. Where has my joy gone? Why do I find myself fearful of being me? Where did I go? Who am I? How did I get here?
How do you go from feeling like your on top of the world to the lowest pit of just getting by? Fake it till you make sounds really good right now, but it bothers me as to why I feel that I have to fake it? Why cant I just be me?
Its hard to feel like yourself when everyone is questioning your every move, it really just makes you shut down as if you cant do anything right and you cant make anyone happy, but then I go through the questions of why I feel like I need to make anyone happy....not my job.
Why do we care so much about what others think? I feel like at one time I did a pretty great job of opening up and being candid with everyone only to hear people thought I was perfect, that I had it all and great my life must be as Im completely put together.... Are you insane? Im so unorganized and chaotic that I don't know how I am still standing sometimes. I work 7 days a week 12-16 hour days and still cant get everything accomplished. I stay in a state of years behind on projects then go through moments of why am I doing this? You always hear positive quotes and inspirations about being strong and most people really do think Im strong, however the very few people that actually know me know that Im dying inside and live in a constant state of chaos. Ive been reading a book by Lisa Goins and learning that Im not alone...who knew? Why do we tend to hide from the outside world when we are not doing that great, isn't it ok to not be ok? We need people, we need community and I am totally saying this as the biggest introvert ever (which actually tends to surprise people).
I have been taking some classes lately just to spend time with myself trying to recreate passion and joy...I know they exist I have had them before. It was a much better time in my life and I really miss it. I have never been a person to have dreams and goals. Ive lived in drowning but trying to keep my head above water status for many years. Lately though, I've had dreams and when I say dreams I mean it literally. I have woken up consistently about 4 am over the last few weeks with a conversation to God (Ive really missed those) and also some visions and excitement for the future, I have dreams and passions about things Id like to do in my life rather than living for everyone else for a change. I have been motivated and re inspired to take some different career paths and try some new things.
I read a hashtag the other day that a woman posted who was going after one of her dreams in a world championship cooking type of thing, her face was lit up with passion and excitement just to be there but her hashtag read #doitafraid. Read that again #doitafraid. Sometimes we tend avoid things that are new or maybe make us feel uncomfortable, but she worked really hard and had a dream yet here she is regardless of the outcome...shes doing it. I was encouraged by that and I thought maybe you would also.
My life is far from perfect and I have not been ok lately, but my head and heart are turning back into the right direction and Im excited to see where these adventures lead. Things are looking up again (finally).

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